Monday, August 07, 2006

House Rules

Young kids always want to break the rules. Fuck the rules dude!! But with experience you realize the rules can help. Especially if you want to accomplish something. If you want to be good at something. Jordan, given a ball, but no rules, is just a psychotic mad-man who likes to jump around , stick his tongue out, and put orange balls in “baskets.” Put a little froth around his mouth and you might shoot him if he came within twenty feet of you or your family. But with a few rules in place he is a basketball genius and you want his autograph.

So rules can enhance your appreciation of something. They allow you to tab something/someone as genius. And since TAN doesn't follow the typical blogger rules (stick to a niche, clockwork schedule etc) I thought I'd post some of my own "guidelines," thereby allowing me to potentially get lumped in that category by accident.

It's a given, since I'm a self-effacing blogger, that I don’t have the talent to be a genius (psyche, yes I do!), but at least trying to be one gives me something to do everyday. And that’s a nice shiny new penny to have in your pocket.

So here are some guidelines to enhancing your appreciation of the assimilated negro.

1. I censor arbitrarily -- i.e. “rub that f*cking semen all over Dakota Fanning’s young face ni$$a. Oh sugar-honey-ice-tea and fudgesicle pops, here come the cops. We gotta go, just leave her. LEAVE HER!!!”

*sound of advertisers fleeing the building*

I amuse myself when in one place I tell a story about, um, someone doing shrooms and vomiting on a girl's vagina. And in another place I refrain from typing all the letters in the word sh*t. You should be amused too. Say it with me now, HAHAHAHAHA THAT IS PURE GENIUS. I think this is representative of my feelings on censorship. *the crowd oooohhhs* It’s arbitrary, and kind of silly in a way.

2. I often think in black and white. When I see a subject all the black jokes come cascading, and all the white jokes come cascading. The asian and "others" jokes don’t overflow in the same way. Also I’ve just had more opportunities to reach a comfort level with both Negroes and Caucasians. But Asians I still sort of feel I could get a ninja star to the throat if I say the wrong thing. *TAN slumps over and falls dead from apparent neck injury*

3. I’m having a hard time figuring out the intelligence of my audience. Actually, it’s probably more about me having a tough time digesting the fact that I’m not the smartest kid in the room (just one of them). Point being, sometimes I want to be idiot-inclusive, and I might do something like link to a picture of Beyonce, or the definition of philosophy. Sometimes these are just jokes. Whatever you think puts me in the best light, that’s what I intended.

4. --Rule Deleted--

5. All my posts contain triple entendres. So you're advised to read them again and again until you find the extra layers of meaning.

6. I take requests and tips. Always need fodder, since I’m some sort of weird combination of insular recluse and one-track-minded extrovert. Hit me at theassimilatednegro [[[at]]] gmizzy [[[dot]]] cizzy. This e-mail address is idiot-exclusive, I hope.

I'll add more rules/guidelines as I figure them out ...


  1. choatey (sarah)8/07/2006

    that picture is hilarious TAN.

    i like your arbitrary censorship.

    good to know the rules around here.

  2. I hate when I forget to link to the ol' boarding alma

    Wallingford baby!!

  3. Jumper Bailey8/08/2006

    Rules or no rules, TAN is a genius.

    As proof, I offer a comment he posted on the copyranter's blog last November. To wit:

    "The Nanny 'Loquesha' is kidnapping your overpampered seed and holding it for a cash reward."


    I rest my case.

  4. Jumper Bailey8/08/2006

    Advice on being "idiot inclusive"...

    Shoot high. Those who get it will get it, and those who don't will pretend to.

  5. as for the intelligence of your says i have an IQ of 142...

    it sounds like i am bragging until you realize that charles barkley has made more money and stimulated more thought as a writer than i have made in my entire life...then you realize what collasal failures of unrealized intellectual potential lurk on your site.

    god, don't let steve harvey write a book.

    i guess dave chapelle was right...i better get to entertaining these white folks...


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