Wednesday, August 23, 2006

So, Um, What's The Assimilated Negro All About Anyways???

So what is TAN all about?

People ask me all the time, and I don't know what to tell them. But recently, I've realized that a big part of my creative/artistic vision is about finding the balance. Black and white. Funny and serious. Whimsy and whatever. Wait, that's the same thing. Well either way, in baseball jargon, I like to "hit it where they ain't."

So in digging through the archives, you're sure to find I have a "voice" with a Chappellian fervor for racial humor. But by no means, is it all that I talk about.

I tell some personal stories. But I prefer to use this site as a sketchpad for whatever creative impulses shoot through my assimilated brain. Sometimes I'm short and to the point. Sometimes I'm long-winded.
Sometimes I do some celebs. Some sports. Some current events. Some NYC. Some philosophy. Some childish nonsense. Some satire. Some whimsy. Some music. Some video. Some T(rue)&A. Some pansy-ass punk beeotch ish. Some hip hop. I might tell you about a concert, or a video shoot.

And that's just tip of the iceberg. All on the quest for balance.

When I started this blog, after a couple weeks of posting there was only one conclusion to be drawn. I sent an e-mail to Nick Denton and Gawker, letting them know I was ready for the big time. Here's an excerpt:
Recently getting started, but I have a good back story, an agent ... and more importantly skills.


But I think the only thing holding gawker back from world domination
is a little melanin. The negroes who spend their money on broadband, instead of wholesale crack. And that's where T.A.N. comes in.

With the audio, I saw you give a shout to John Eff Kennedy, who I once hired to hail cabs for me back in the day. He had a nice little celeb rappy-rap ... but I'm better. And black. So I'm better, plus I keep it real...
No response at the time (my pitch letters are an interesting balance of risk/reward all-or-nothing propositions). After a month, and inspired by this guy's gawk-scam (scawk?), I decided to step my game up and make sure I got on the radar. Though I remember feeling ambivalent when TMFTML linked me citing my line, "got the melanin flowin', for Jessica coen" as a sign of the apocalypse. (it's not me, it's fast franks).

Fast-forward less than a year later, and I'm compelled to crack the slightest of smiles, because while Nick never e-mailed me back (though we've spoken since), tomorrow I start temping guest-editing at the big G. And the fact I'm working with the apocalypse-predicting Alex, and the scawking Chris (neither of whom were with Gawk at the time), seems a wee bit ironic, if not outright synergistic destiny.

Anyhooka, perhaps Gawker is looking for balance, and hopefully that will be something I can provide.


PS: Due to the G-shift, I won't be back until next week, but please send tips and as much help as possible to theassimilatednegro at gmizzy. You're more likely to get through to an editor there than the cluttered gawker tips line, at least for tomorrow and Friday.



  1. damn. . . too bad i didn't come over here before I posted my Top 5 Bougie Black Boys Blogs... You'll be on the next list, I'm sure.

    Great site, great insight. I'll have to become a "regular" of yours.

  2. my nigga don't forget to show that niggaknow love. -1-!!

  3. Anonymous8/23/2006

    no offense but lately you blog about yourself and link to your own posts a little much. you're still a great writer but i liked you a lot better when you weren't so self-referential.

  4. congrats on the guest-edit gig at gawk. you should have been writing for them a long time ago. well I guess you have, but you know what I mean. $ and a full shift.

    may the spirit of Choate guide you as you walk through the assimilated halls.

  5. Anonymous8/23/2006

    TAN is hot like fire.

    show me the money!!!

  6. Anonymous8/23/2006

    don't you owe me some money ???

  7. MizuWari8/23/2006

    When somebody asks what's TAN about, don't tell 'em shit!

    What you wanna do is continue to preserve that air of faux-mystique in order to perpetuate the cachet of neo-hipster cliqueishness necessary in fostering meme-style curiosity and meta-desire in wanting to be part of something you're not just to be down with it.

    Kinda like the "secret bar" trend that came and went like a limp-dicked backdoor johnny.

  8. No, shit! Wow. And to think I can say I knew you when.

    Well, actually I think the LAST time I read this blog was through a Gawker link.

    Yeah, Gawker definitely needs some spice - ever since they canned the other around the Fourth.

    You're hittin the big time. Good luck.

  9. CONGRATS!!!!

    Oh, wait, I'm confused ... Are you getting a new title and everything? This definitely sounds like a promotion of sorts. Are you no longer Gawker's Special Correspondent for Brown-People Issues?

    And, if not ... um ... is that position open? Where can *I* apply????? :)

  10. HOLLA!!!!!

    Real rec real or R^3

    You've been huggin the block about time Gawker decided if they were f*cking or not with TAN.

    Don't ever forget where you came from and all the little people you stepped on to get there.


    DC in the hizzy

  11. Holla! Oh nooo, I holla'd. Now I'm a holla-back girl.

    Poo. (just one nugget, not a big horse pile like yours)

  12. TAN - you are the man, i need to check in with you more often. Great writings over there at Gawker.

  13. Congrats, dude.

  14. advice8/24/2006

    i kind of agree with anon on the self-referential thing but as a fellow freelancer i get it. thats why i think u should create your own writer site that states all your gigs including your blog. this is your persona site, not your resume. bring TAN back!

  15. Okay, I'm not signing up to be a Gawker commenter, but I wanted to say two things: (1) What's up with all the racist-sounding comments on the Survivor: Race War post that preceded yours? Crikey. (2) Liked your Gawker post, TAN!

  16. Jumper Bailey8/24/2006

    TAN's Official GawkClock time:
    355 Days
    1 Hour
    31 Minutes


  17. Congratulations (I think). When it comes to blogging I'm more of the not-for-profit poetry publishing sector.

    Nonetheless, this piece offered some great (subtextual) tips on the art of guerrilla blogging.

    And it seems you got what you wanted.

  18. Anonymous8/27/2006


    great gawking.

    where do all the TAN's hang out afterhours?

  19. nice work TAN.

    Next up, BOOK DEAL.

  20. that's awesome, TAN!

    Congrats, and keep it gully over at the Gawk.

  21. Another Sarah from Choate8/27/2006

    I love you, TAN.

    You are bringing back the funny that Gawker has been trying to find ever since Choire flew the coop.

    Also, I went to Choate too - but I got kicked out in the middle of my fifth form year after having broken just about every rule they had. In hindsight Miss Porter's might have been a better choice...

  22. Nice work during your stint, bud.


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