Tuesday, February 13, 2007

More White Castle Date Entries

Well Gawk announced the winner yesterday, one Rachel Crawford, in the White Castle & TAN Valentine Special. Sucks for her!

There were some fun entries that didn't make the cut. They posted a couple of the runner-ups, but these were probably more entertaining, than closer to winning. As a reminder, the Black History themed mission was to write a paragraph about "what you have done for the good of black people."

Here was one from a 29-year old property manager:
about what you've done for the good of black people:
I wrote a book on Martin Luther King in second grade. I typically lecture on the legacy of slavery when I hear ignorant comments. I have always been sensitive and particularly empathetic and I feel I identify with the plight of amer. blacks. I avidly support all Spike Lee movies and other black literature, film, and television-- Girlfriends and 227 are and were my favorite shows. I took African American Philosophy, and African Art in college. I support black people and love the culture. For many many years I wished I was black.
Then we had a 19-year old college student say :
Though my name may conjure up images of long blond hair, aqualine noses, and other visual beacons of caucasia, I've done tons for Black people! Just last night I led a group of my friends in beating the shit out of some Norbit ticketholders. I don't wear skinny jeans, though I have rocked a hotpant or two (as the great James Brown said, "that's where it's at"). I wear my hair in its natural state. I don't know any songs by Pretty Ricky. I'm majoring in film and working toward becoming a casting director/ jazz singer/ documentary filmmaker. Mind you, in the grand scheme of things, this is Pretty Admirable Shit. Both of my parents are Black (there has been suspicion regarding my father, but I assure you, it is just suspicion), so there's that. I have a truly fantastic Black family that I love dearly. I volunteered with young Black public school kids of Detroit for 6 years... Okay, so I didn't really see a whole grip of Negroes until I got to college (the godforsaken Howard University) and I'm pretty young, so there's still a few things I may not be up on (no worries; I'm not one of those tragic mulatto/ tragic suburban negro types). But that's exactly why you should pick me! TAN and I would have some nice contrast. That and I've never been on a date with an intelligent person who wasn't a religious fanatic.

And, being a college student, I would smack a ho for some free White Castle.
Then a 30-year old in non profit sent this:
I like to think of myself as a Negrotiator. I was raised bi-racial in very, very white Minnesota. In my home, I translated the cultural experiences of my family members so that we might All Get Along. When my white dad didn't understand that the female members of the family permed our hair so that it would be straight, I was there to tell him that it was his side of the family that used perms to achieve curly tresses. When Mom divorced him and asked for reparations, I told him that she meant alimony. In my adulthood, I have continued to provide this service to well meaning, yet misunderstanding people of both cultures. My current interest is serving the black community as a consultant. I consult my black friends on appropriate names for their children. After seeing my girlfriends push out babies with names like LaTrina and Asbestos, I decided that there was a need for my services. Now, when my friends get pregnant, I ask them what they plan on naming their sweet, little bundles of joy. I recommend names that only have one capital letter and that have no punctuation. Recently, my friend suggested the name D'Jon (pronounced like Dijon), I called my father and asked him if D'Jon followed any of the white naming conventions that he was familiar with. Armed with my father's advice, I called my girlfriend back and she settled on Jon. Of course, when the baby was finally born, she named him JonVante. Still, I feel like I helped. I have yet to be recognized with a Nobel prize for my fine work, but a date with TAN would be almost as good. Also, I haven't had a White Castle in years.
And then I was very tempted to go with one of my Ghetto Pass hecklers, The Real JR:
One positive thing that comes to mind as to how I have benefited black people is by counting myself as one of their number. Granted, I am one of those halfie-blacks with an infusion of Filipina in me, but just the same, I'm one of those clean, articulate ones. There are just so few of us that we have to cling light-brown knuckled to whomever we can find. For instance: O.J. Besides, as the Dred Scott case taught us all: one drop will do ya. Anyway, although stating so may be a detriment to my actually being chosen to getting with five feet of TAN, I would like to think that my constant annoyance and need to consistently rebut those "Ghetto Pass" articles is also contributing to the positive upliftment of the colored peoples by way of Africa. As per my many lessons of the Nguzo Saba during years of Kwanzaa celebrations, when I see bullshit, I call bullshit - albeit in a highly articulate fashion. One thing I have done that evidently goes against all the tenets of black-people-dom is that years ago I said that O.J. did it. I know he did it. Even black people know that he did it but their inherent blackness ain't gonna call him out on it. (Damn, that wasn't articulated in the proper form, was it?) But just the same. So here is my entry. I would include a picture or perhaps even a MySpace link, but I don't want to seem over-enthusiastic in my wanting to be chosen for such a potentially romantic event (can I supersize the Orange Hi-C?).
That she mentions being articulate in the graf twice, and then later says "that wasn't articulated proper ..." is a strike against her, but I wouldn't mind some one-on-one time with my most earnest critic. Maybe I could learn a thing or two. Quest for conflict baby.

4 comments:

  1. The Real JR is a gal? My mind is blown...

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  2. Hey, here's wishing you a very Happy Valentines Day

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. OK, if the winner really does have a black ass, you've got to give us a full report. Or, better yet, some pictures.

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