Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Pringles or Condoms?

At some point in my life I started looking at my wallet as an economy. I didn’t "make money" per se. My wallet was either up or down. When the economy is good, people see me more, people get gifts, people get little fuss over the details of the bill. "Don't worry," I tell them, "the economy is looking good right now." You might see me with a new t-shirt. The economy is usually good for two weeks in spring, and then [insert long beautifully descriptive phrase about cold Alaskan winters here.]

When the economy’s down I have to pay more attention to the details of my budget. Such are the realities of life.

Now, I’m not an employee of Pringles, I'm just a man who has to make choices. And my chip choices are particularly discerning. I'm more discerning about chips than women. I think there are many different types of women to choose from: Hot, super-hot, not as hot, smart-hot, funny hot, etc. But there are only two brands of chips that exist in my world, Doritos and Pringles.

So with that little bit of setup, now on to the matter at hand: Pringle vs. Condoms (read: sex)

Flavor choice matters here. It doesn’t really matter what your particular preferred flavor is — plain, ranch, bbq, snotty — whatever. It just matters that they are indeed your A-#1-top choice. If you don't have a top flavor-choice, I advise you to take a long hard look in the mirror and take a stand for once in your life. Choose one now.

Ok. First we deal with the worse-case scenarios. A bad chip is better than bad sex. Frankly, there’s really no such thing as a "bad" Pringle. Part of the Pringle mystique is they maintain a nonpareil level of consistently high quality on a chip-to-chip basis. That's to say, even their bad chips are pretty good. Nothing burnt, or shriveled up, or over-seasoned. Those things happen with other chip brands.

Meanwhile bad sex can really suck. You may not know exactly why the sex was bad, but if it happens to be related to inadequacies on your part then you risk damage to your reputation, and the emotional, and possible physical scarring as a result. You don't take this kind of risk with Pringles.

But there are tons of other types of "bad sex." You could be falling out of love and confirm it with bad sex. You could have a condom break. You could get herpes. You could be cheating and get caught. You could be videotaped and circulated around the internet.

So the risk factor with "bad sex" is exponentially larger than getting a bad Pringle. A bad Pringle might be kind of bland, it may leave you disappointed, but it won't leave you with a broken heart, an unwanted child, or AIDS (can you get AIDS through chips?).

However, on the flip side, your average romp in the hay is equivalent to about one-half stack of you A-#1-top flavor of Pringles [needs citation]. And for the cost of one container of Pringles, you can probably get one three-pack of condoms. So you can come out ahead on the pleasure quotient, but then again you also take on extra "bad sex" risk 3 more times.

With Pringles vs. Condoms theory in mind I jingled the change in my pocket.

Hmmm, I only had $2.13 in unmarked small coins. I wouldn't be able to afford both condoms AND Pringles. I would have to make a choice ....


  1. Ronnie Friday2/28/2007

    In regards to the Pringles, they're made from a potato "dough" versus normal chips, which gives it it's consistency.

    How does that figure into the debate?

  2. Anonymous2/28/2007

    You sure take a long time to say nothing.

  3. I buy the Pringles if I was you, because you know it wont try to make you say "Who's your daddy?" while you eat it. You say that!

  4. Anonymous3/01/2007

    Provided you choose the right flavor, sex might be out of the question anyway. Problem solved!

    I question the presence of life in a body that will do a man who's eaten half a stack of Pizza Flavor-- or Sour Cream and Onion for that matter.

  5. Anonymous3/29/2007

    I was once married to a woman named Lisa Pringle. The sex was awesome. She dumped me. I think about her whenever I eat Pringles potato chips.

  6. Anonymous6/11/2007

    I have the perfect solution for you. Buy a bag of Doritos, eat the chips, then fasten the bag to your dick with an elastic band and use it as a condom. Problem solved. You get the best of both worlds. You're welcome.

  7. The last comment is terrible advice!! Please, DO NOT use a Doritos bag as a condom!

    Doritos bags have that serrated edge on the tip, and it's totally the wrong size (wrong proportions). Twix, Butterfinger or Snickers are all much better choices (depending on your size), they're the poor man's condom. If you're really big, you could also maybe use the Pringels can, but you'll lose some sensitivity.

    If you're on the really small side, you could also opt for the fun size, of course, then you need to buy the Halloween sized mega pack which costs a bit more. On the other hand, they do have like 30+ bars in there, so its a great value. (Wish I could take advantage, too big though :(. ANd the cost of reduction surgery would wipe out the potential savings)


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