Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Five Types Of People You Meet In Heaven (Stalkers)

Formal Overdramatic Stalker
Identifying Characteristics: Sends e-vite announcements declaring the start of a stalking. Will also send cards after stalking is completed. Always stalks in a three-act format, with a beginning, middle, and end. Will announce when changing stalker mediums (from e-mail, to across-the-street-window, to vehicle etc.) They also like to narrate while stalking and/or use accompanying background music to raise the tension level.

How to ditch the FOS: Since their targets are so well informed, they often feel like they’re not being stalked at all. In addition when walking around and you start to hear voice over or background music, that’s always a big clue, so there's little of the psychological torture we love from stalkers. Generally these guys like to be ditched through formal means, such as a restraining order, or a stern message indicating you are prepared to contact the authorities.

Slacker Stalker
Identifying Characteristics: Instead of actively tracking you around town and doing research, these guys will actually ask for your personal information and itinerary. "Are you planning to do lunch at Coffee Shop at 1:30? Good, I'll stalk you there." They’re often late for stalk-outs, showing up after the mark has left the premises. Sometimes they even forget who they’re stalking.

How to ditch the SS: The Slacker Stalker will typically offer little resistance if you ask them to stop stalking you. Either that or just wait them out, eventually his initiative will expire and he’ll give up on his own, or find a new “easier” target (i.e. a mailbox or lamppost)

Broke Stalker
Identifying Characteristics:
The Broke Stalker is obviously poor. They can’t afford unlimited metrocards or cabs to follow their targets around. They can’t afford high speed cable, so e-mail stalk is sporadic, and there are no photoshopped pictures of you holding their penis or whathaveyou. Believe it or not, some broke stalkers don’t even have a computer. They're also always tired from walking everywhere and tend to rely on public places like parks and street corners.

How to ditch the BS: They are conspicuous because of their ratty clothes. Most stalkers like to look presentable, so as to be taken seriously. The stalking effect is completely lost if the mark doesn’t take it seriously. Lose this stalker by going anywhere that frowns upon ratty-chic and/or requires money. A classy restaurant, movie, and certain museums should do the trick.

Passive-Aggressive Stalker
Identifying Characteristics: The PAS stalks you but you don't know they’re stalking you. Most frequently, they stalk themselves, get upset, and then take their anger out on you, thereby making you feel sort of stalked. These guys usually express that anger via shoulder bumping on the street or in the supermarket. You think they're just rude people, but they're actually stalkers.

How to ditch the PAS: The Passive-Aggressive Stalker simply needs to be confronted. They can never dictate the terms of the stalking to you, so once you put it out there they will most likely flee. Another option is violence when you get shoulder-bumped. PAS's hate violence.

Attractive Stalker
Identifying Characteristics: Incredibly attractive. So much so you can't believe your fortune in "running into them" all over town.

How to ditch the AS: No one actually wants to ditch their Attractive Stalker. They are a rare breed and always welcome. Our classified ads should actually read, "Wanted: attractive stalker. Smart, beautiful, sassy, and totally obsessed with me."

Double Entendre Stalker
Identifying Characteristics:
Carries around a stalk … of something.

How to ditch the DES: The DES can’t help but shoot himself in the foot eventually.


  1. Anonymous12/22/2005

    nice. I would make some double entendre jokes, but no time.


  2. Anonymous12/22/2005

    I'll be your attractive stalker...

  3. You forgot about the Virtual Stalker, who dwells in blog comments and e-mails. This variety can be super-creepy.

    Two of the subsets of the Double Entendre Stalker, of course, are the Celery Stalker and the Corn Stalker.

  4. What about the one who stacks cans into pyramids at Wal-Mart, the Late Night Stocker (LNS)?

  5. What about the stalker that keeps asking to see you and your blog buddy in their knickers?

    Oh, thats right. You buy them a drink when they come to NYC for the New Year's festivities.


  6. I am totally up for brunch with you and DB, we won't disappoint. Tomorrow night, I am hitting up her mother's festivus party, it should be fun. Her mom can drink like a fish.

  7. ugly dude12/23/2005

    I definitely need me more of them attractive stalkers.

  8. Anonymous12/26/2005

    Extremely attractive stalker type soccer mom seeks extremely attractive rapper type for tea and crumpets..Stalking to follow...


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