Tuesday, December 27, 2005

TAN's Politically Incorrect Market Research Questionnaire

What gender are you?

A. Bleeding vagina
B. *Scratches balls* (yeah I know, must be a guy writing this, well how about: B. smelly small-dicked bastard.)

What is your ethnicity?

A. Cracker ass cracker ni**as
B. Yellow ass ni**as
C. Spanish ass ni**as
D. Real ni$$a ni**as
E. Kinda-sorta ni**as who think nowadays it’s worse to be a kinda-sorta ni**a than a real ni$$a ni**a

What sexuality are you?

A. Brokeback Mountain
B. *running away after reading the words “Brokeback Mountain”*

A. guys are cute
B. L Word
C. I use L Word girls as strap-ons

A. Confused
B. Very confused

How old are you ?

A. Age appropriate for Michael
B. Age appropriate for Robert
C. Age appropriate for TAN
D. Age appropriate for Wilford Brimley (I wanted this to be an old black guy, but there aren't any known old black guys. That's messed fcuked up)

How old are you? (Take two)

A. Sex. Tee hee
B. OMG I can’t believe I’m having sex!!
C. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D. Oh yes, sex is often quite pleasant.
E. Ahhh sex. Those were the days.

How old are you? (Take two and a half)

A. mmm American Apparel
B. mmm Girls Gone Wild
C. mmm Sex and The City
D. mmm Desperate Housewives
E. mmm Golden Girls (we need a new standard for hot old ladies)

How old are you? (Take three)

A. "Whoah! WTF?!!?" *looks around* "I probably shouldn't be reading this."
B. "Holy fucking shit! This is fucking awesome!!"
C. "It’s kind of funny. Kind of smart. But does he need to fucking curse and be so crass?"
D. "This is a little much"
E. "Dear, can you help me fix the telly. Something black and white came on. I can’t read a thing."

What is your annual income?

A. "Hi. Sorry, what’s your name again? Yeah, um, you see any B’s, C’s, or D’s around?"
B. Hi. what’s up? Yeah, work sucks. But gotta make a dollar right?
C. Hi. Merry Xmas my friend. It's been a while. You know, we should be hanging out some more. I'll E you.
D. Yooooooooooo!!!!! waddup my niggy!! You know you my niggy right? Haha!! Yo did you see that press release about us being friends?

How much time online do you spend in a day?

A. Stupid
B. Ignorant
C. Aware/On top of things
D. Geek
E. Martyr

What is your level of education?

A. They said they’ll give me a raise of $2/hr. Holla!
B. They said they might actually put me on salary. Holla!
C. They said they might give me a 5% raise. Holla!
D. I told them raise me 15%, plus percs, or I walk. You know what they said? Holla!

What is your level of education? (Take two)

A. Listen you stupid motherfcuker, I said NO PICKLES!
B. Listen, can you please just enter these five million entries into our database. There's a McDonald's around the corner when you want to take lunch.
C. Oh yeah, I worked at McDonald’s once, as a teen, that was one crazy summer. My parents were pissed. I haven't been to a McDonald's in eons.
D. I think we should purchase some McDonald's stock. Their new campaigns targeting urban kids seem real effective.

What is your current level of sexual activity?

A. If one person has AIDS, we all have AIDS.
B. Well, at least I know I don't have AIDS.

What of the following have you done while reading TAN?

Made a phone call
Drink alcohol
Iron clothes
Kicked a dog or cat
Pushed an old person down steps
Said something nasty about George Bush
Smoke something
Snort something
Inject something
Pee on significant other
______________________ [please fill in unlisted activities here]

Thank you for filling out this survey. All answers will be kept somewhat confidential. Feel free to add on anything we missed in the comment box. If you'd like to be more than a blog commenter, please click here.


  1. Anonymous12/27/2005

    mmmm American Apparel.

    too funny.

    good work TAN

  2. hilarious!!

    this is awesome. I'm going to forward to a friend.

  3. I spent a few minutes thinking, "there must be an old black guy equivalent to Wilford Brimley"...yet, not so much. That's definitely messed up.

  4. Anonymous12/27/2005

    yo the wilford brimley shit is funny. but definitely messed up. black folks don't make it that long ... we'll know we've made it when we got more black Wilford Brimley's telling us to eat oatmeal

    by the way I love your site/blog ...


  5. What about Ossie Davis?

    I mean age-wise, not acting-ability wise, because c'mon. Lemonade commercials v. Spike Lee joints. Please.

  6. Dude, Wilford Brimley is only 3 years older than Morgan Freeman and Yaphet Kotto and 7 years younger than Harry Belafonte and Sidney Poitier. Of course, the poster above got it right. Ossie Davis is so old he's dead.

    Brought to you by the letters IMDb.

  7. Anonymous10/04/2006

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