Defense Wins Championships
Yeah, I know you know defense wins championships, but you better study it again black man. You can't even get a job in this league unless you're bringing crazy acknickulous D at all times. You should be studying the Cover 2 so hard that when the mailman comes to drop letters in your box, there's a 245-pound linebacker knocking him on his ass before envelope meets aluminum (your mailbox is aluminum right?). "THAT"S INCOMPLETE MAILMAN, TIME TO PUNT!!!" Your house should be a redzone and the milkman should be terrified of dropping off his bottles anywhere near it. If you don't have a milkman, GET ONE, and then SACK HIS ASS! Hire Terry Tate as your personal assistant.
You have a serious legacy to live up to here; Dungy, Lovie, Lewis, Crennel, Rhodes ... they all engineered some of the finest defenses of our generation just to get in the position. So if you want to win, forget offense, get the eye of the tiger, prepare yourself. If you have children, they should be hungry, showing their teeth, barking and crawling on all fours as they stunt their way into the kitchen to blindside your wife or mistress. Then do a "Lights Out" dance on the meatloaf. You were having meatloaf right? DEFENSE BABY!!!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
But the thing is I'm not a player,
Booties are cool, my head can swivel as much as the next guy, but arses don't get me riled up and invigorate my soul. I don't pray for phatties. New York City's freezer is full of prime cuts of Grade A Ass(for the record, I have no problems with Grade B Booty either; now Grade C Coochie?? ehh)... My point is, BADONKATHOUGHTS, that's the ish I'm looking for, that's what gets the player in me looking for the keys to the Charm Coupe. Can you f my head up with some sexy brainstorm? There's nothing better than placing your hands on a nice tight-ass badonkathought, ask anyone. Just getting to feel it up, everywhere, cupping the supple nuances of your ... oooooooh yeah …. I love how that feels baby, that badonkathought is tiiight. I could keep my hands on it all night long.
Monday, January 29, 2007
I make jokes, but I didn't think the piece was bad by any means. "Blipster" didn't go over, to say the least, but it's a reasonable suggestion. That said when I inquired about the same subject last year, I, too, was a little behind on the current status quo, but was still able to extend the thought:
Hipsters are our first graduates from the school of racial equality (SORE). They are our first look at a new generation. Of course they have gook on their heads, look a little underdeveloped, and generally make you say ewww (which, by the way, is the new "make you say hmmm"). They have issues. But the thing is none of those issues are race issues. You think Blackface Jesus is a product of "old-school Jim Crow" sensibility, or is he a product of "I could give a fuck about this race shit" sensibility. I'm guessing the latter. And if I'm wrong I guess I'll kick his ass later.So, that's cool. But if you're still doubting my prescience, in the comment I left a little over a year ago, I used the word "cipher," and I'm pretty sure it's the only time I used the word "cipher" on Gawker, except, of course, for last week's Ghetto Pass.
That's kind of weird right? I mean, yes, maybe I'm too into my own butt, but it's a little notable, no? If you were me, you'd notice it right?
Now how about when I tell you that I wrote this post right after I left that comment, and I'm just publishing it now.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
You'll notice the read more arrow, and of course after that "light beige-y" lead-in I couldn't help but click through. This is what I got:
Huh? First of all, maybe there are no comments for this "article" because it's not an "article." Second of all, WTF are they talking about? Third, and most importantly, what is up with the white guy in the third pic? Because this is an interracial dating site, and these pics seem to be profile shots, I can't help but think this guy is screwing his face up so he can attract a black woman who likes thuggish-ruggish negroes. Woodchp, 37, WHO LIVES IN ALASKA (though if it didn't say Anchorage I would have thought that's the kind of gun he's holding) is very much a soldier apparently. Either that or he's incredibly cold and distraught that he's still living in his mother's igloo at 37 years young.
Anyways, if you happen to know "sunnybunny" tell her to holla at ya boy.
Alternative titles for this post:
No Coffee For Me Thanks, I'll Just Take The Cream
I Personally Prefer My Coffee Black (And Proud)
Attention Thick & Swirling Cream Admirers: Get A Life
Does Thick & Swirling Cream = White Girl With An Ass Who Can Dance?
The Perfect TAN: Light Beige-y Brown & Smells Like Coffee
Run Your Fingers Through My Wooliness [TAN]
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Luckily I turned back to the television; Manning was being interviewed, and the storm clouds in my brain thundered out a revelation: "This landmark moment in African-American history was brought to us by quite possibly the whitest QB ever. Now on the Mount Rushmore of Melanin there's Martin, Malcolm, Wesley Autrey, and Peyton Manning." And it wasn't long ago we were all thinking Michael Vick might be our savior.There will be more editions in the series next week. Stay tuned ...
Negro Bowl I [Deadspin]
It is a telling indictment on the flimsy state of Hip Hop right now that emcees and the music they create are inescapable, but The Cipher, where all the great rap craftsman honed their skills, is a fading institution. There was a time when ghetto streets were perpetually filled with the sweet sounds of beatboxing overdubbed with sharp, rhythmic staccato flows. The Cipher was hip hop's training ground, where the architects of the renaissance learned to express in different ways, and the crowd was always the final arbiter of talent. Now modern technology allows anyone to have a studio and a dream in the comfort of their own home, and rarely do you experience the art form live outside of a formal venue. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, but it means this week's Ghetto Pass is an old-school edition, as we flashback and examine hip hop's communal dojo, The Cipher. The beat drops after the jump.Ghetto Pass [Gawker]
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Of course I'm not really a blogger, I'm a blauteur.
Unrelated — aside from that amaranthine underpinning of TAN world domination that shades all of our days — stay tuned for TAN's ongoing coverage of Negro Bowl I, starting tomorrow and leading all the way up to the big game. We kickoff on Deadspin, scheduled sometime ET/CPT.
Blog Ghetto [NY Observer]
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
“These people come here and they don’t last long,” Mr. Hidalgo said. “Once they see what the neighborhood is really like, especially in the summer,” he said, when the streets become noisy and the crime rate typically climbs, they will sell their apartments and leave.That's right, El Barrio gets ferocious in the summer my amigos!! Not only do these people sell their apartments, but I make them sell their apartments to me, for like $50. See, right now it's way too cold for me to grab my piece and start mugging folks, but a few weeks ago, when it was 60-70 degrees out, wasn't NOBODY moving into East Harlem without giving up their wallet and/or lease to their property. Feel me?
But when it's cold, I just stick to blogging.
As East Harlem Develops, Accents Change [NYTimes]
Ghetto Pass Person of the Year: You, Caucasians [Gawker]
Mason-Dixon Line Official [TAN]
Sunday, January 21, 2007
I think I'm a mix of the middle two, the "talk a big game" and "waffler." I guess I talk a big waffle.
For the record there's:
Jeff – old information
Dean – not living up to resume
Sue – waffler
Jerome – talk big game, do nothing
Rick – fold under pressure
Ted – everyone’s out to get you
I just realized in responding to this comment on Gawker that I'm not a writer or blogger, I am a "blauteur." I create literarture. My literarture must always be italicized. TAN is where you can find my oooeeeuuuvre.
This tickles me deeply.
But do make a note of it.
I'm also naming my first born child "oeu." I could possibly be persuaded to stick with "Oeuvre," but I will probably go with "oeu."
Please make a note of it.
(In honor of the headline, Public Enemy's Welcome to the Terrordome is linked below.)
"Welcome To The Terrordome" video [youtube]
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Never turning 30.
This is the standard exchange when it comes to questions about my age, but its nice to see Dikembe Mutombo is feeling the age sensitivity as well, so I know I'm not alone in this. This article is pretty amusing, and reads like it was written for The Onion; Mutombo is pissed about announcers making jokes about his age, and is going to appeal to the commissioner to make it stop.
Speaking of basketball, I'll be making an appearance over on freedarko again sometime Friday. We'll be getting at Bill Simmons I believe, and that's must-see tv for any basketball peoples.
Mutombo has succeeded in convincing league officials to let him persist with his trademark finger-wagging after blocked shots -- as long as he directs that gesture toward a section of the crowd without wagging his finger in the direction of an opponent -- and believes Stern will be sympathetic to his anti-joke crusade, too.
"The commissioner and I are good friends," Mutombo said. "I will find a way somehow to talk to him.
"He's a great man. He can make it stop."
Mutombo Tired of Showing His ID [ESPN]
When the darkness descends, and the final Co-Bo has closed, even the ghetto is compelled to ponder the nature of its existence. Is it nothing but a well-worn cliché, a dead horse waiting to be chopped up and smothered in General Tso's sauce? Are the self-perpetuating stereotypes a product of exploitative ignorance, or simply the reflection of the beast's unwavering eyes staring back from the abyss? (Huh? What??) Do the tears we shed laughing at the latest Hallmark Holla™ mask an anguish so deep we dare not share it outside the context of a set-up and punchline? The Last Ghetto is where all the question marks come to roost. It is where the chaos in the ghetto's soul is silenced so that it can give birth to a calm, lobotomizingly-soothing black hole of a column.The Last Man [wiki]
Ghetto Pass [Gawker]
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
I sent this guy a note via myspace, told him we might need to have an assimilated duel, right on the old 96th street Mason-Dixon line, winner keeps the schtick.
Seriously though, well-written piece by Jordan Carlos. Read it and experience state-of-the-art negro technology.
On a related note, I found this hilarious. It's even more timely because only a couple days prior I sent Gabe, who writes The Unethicist for Gawker, some "fake intra-office memos" as a potential funny bit we could do together, and in one of them I told him I was thinking about starting a new column called "The Negrethicist" ... a joke that has now come to life on Radar.
Seems sipping from the race section of the communal idea-pool is getting more and more popular
TAUNNN the Invincible!! Nothing will penetrate my adamantium melanin armor ...
My Schtick? Being Black [Washington Post]
The Ethnicist [Radar]
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
I can’t lie. I like my drinks to have a little flavor.
No, not like barley and hops.
Like cherries and lemon-lime. Mmmm cherries.
Not so yummy.
If "yummy" was spelled "yummuy" it would be a palindrome. A yummuy palindrome.
I don’t understand beer. What is it? Why is it so abundant? There can't be a beer drinker who has completely ruled out the possibility that it's just dirt and piss in a bottle. Has anyone noticed that shittier = tastier in beer land? It’s just this crazy universe.
I'll take cranberry and … whatever. Preferrably vodka.
Smirnoff Ice? Excellent.
Mike’s Hard? Delicious!
Wine? Sounds good ...
I drink it up. Let’s get drunk.
But scotch on the rocks? Whiskey neat?
Yikes! That’s more of a challenge than a recreation. I'm trying to relax here, no need to be Mr. Tough-Guy. If we're doing that I'd rather just punch someone in the face. That's how I feel after I drink a Tough-Guy Drink; I scrunch up my face, and puff out my cheeks and I'm all, "Arrgggh!!! Why did I drink that?!!? NOW I JUST WANT TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FACE!!!" And if I've had enough Tough-Guy Drinks I'll do it.
I never feel like that when I drink a girly-drink. I feel happy. There's still some edge to it, but it's fun, it's non-threatening. I feel like I'm in a pillow fight with girls and rainbows, and things might turn sexy any moment now. I don't have a problem with this. I also like football and carnage.
Just not in my drink.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Please Listen to My Video
There’s a Hip-Hop band rocking all the hot venues in NYC. They’ve been slowly but surely building a legion of fans. The group is The Real Live Show, and their days of anonymity may soon be over as the song ‘Shop Rocking’ is currently featured on MTV-U.
The video is animated and has a style and sound unlike anything else currently in rotation. According to Stimulus, Dionysos and Shelley Shick, the slick, ultra-stylized, innovative feature serves as a ‘calling card’ for The Real Live Show’s brand of funk and Hip-Hop flavour.
The Real Live Show core line-up: Stimulus - Vocals, Dionysos - Vocals, Tarus Mateen – Bass, Greg Hutchinson – Drums, Kim Thompson - drums, Raymond Angry – Keys, James Hurt - Keys, Thor Madsen – Guitar, Terreon Gully – Drums, Colt Seavers - Turntables
Thick: So was there any debate as to what song would be the subject for your first video?
Stimulus: No debate really. Whole process began with me meeting with some friends of mine in the business to talk about how we could collaborate on a serious project. One friend was a producer [redacted] (The Restaurant), one was a director [redacted] (Nappy Roots) , ‘Shop Rocking’ was our first joint that was mixed down and ready to go, so I presented it to them and they liked it.
Dionysos: It’s also the consensus favorite song. For the The Real Live Show our process was born out of an organic, jazz-like approach. In the beginning we couldn’t pay for musicians or studio time, so the band would play at the show and we would just drop whatever we had. But ‘Shop Rocking’ was a song Stim and I collaborated on from the start, our first song written together. We tried to sum up the struggle we were going through, and everything musically just kind of worked and translated so well. The song stuck
S: The song also features most of the musicians, as there are two types of bass, two types of keys…and musicians for each sound.
Shelley Shick: The song itself is a reflection of the overall Real Live process…it’s survival of the fittest with everything we do. We just give birth, and whatever people like wins.
T: It’s a very stylized video. How much of the direction/conception was you, and how much the director?
S: The initial idea was simply to visually demonstrate what The Real Live Show was about. Show the organic process we just discussed, and try to capture our live experience on camera. So, the plan was to basically present the musicians [and us] in different environments, within different vignettes.
We shot in April and the actual shooting was about five days. Three days for location scouting, two days for shooting…all the footage was taken in Brooklyn.
SS: It was our first time, and it was definitely a great experience. It’s just nice to do things you know are going to add serious points to your resume. We had a lot of people helping, rented a convertible CADDY…it was fun.
T: Did you and the director and producer split all the costs and production responsibilities?
S: Well, in terms of shooting, the director handled everything. We had no experience, and ultimately we did a lot of work in terms of getting the proper personnel around us so that when we were shooting we didn’t have to worry about production and direction stuff…we just had to be artists and have fun.
D: Basically at the start the producers produced a budget, explaining the process and what we needed. Very detailed, and they explained anything we didn’t know. But we financed everything. Stim actually had to work the 9-5 grind for a while to help pay the bills and get us started.
S: Yeah, waddup Ecko, good looking on the J-O!!
SS: What helped were people having enthusiasm about the project. Everyone was willing to go the extra mile, and you need that when you don’t have all the money in the world.
T: Was animation always a part of the plan?
S: Initially, it was just going to be regular film. But after final cut of raw footage, it wasn’t ready. It wasn’t grabbing me like it needed to. So we discussed the options, and the options were basically to spend a lot more money to treat the film in exotic ways. The big thing was called ‘FLASH’. It’s a film treatment that makes everything 100x more vivid. All pro videos you see on TV are treated with it, but we didn’t have the budget.
So, after some brainstorming sessions the director called some animators he knew…and it proceeded from there. Another three months after we made the call to go animation and we got the final cut. We liked it and it started getting real strong feedback from people we played it for.
T: So you have a hot video, did you just immediately say ‘let’s take it to MTV’?
S: Quddus – VJ ON TRL – has been to some of our shows, and knows us. We showed it to him, and he thought it was hot enough that he introduced us to the people who are on the review board.
D: MTV was surprisingly accessible. For a mighty music and media juggernaut you might expect some snobbery, or at least a lot of bureaucracy…but they were very cool, and we had a good amount of communication throughout the process.
T: What specifically did you have to do?
S: There’s an application you fill-out to be reviewed by the boards. It was a one-page form, very basic, primarily asking for the credits, and how often you want it played, and on what stations.
D: That was a no-brainer, of course we wanted it played 20x a day on every station.
S: We did leave off VH1…we felt they’re kind of old [laughs]
T: So just a form to get on MTV? Anything else?
S: You also had to include the video on beta SP, and a lyric sheet.
Eventually we had to submit multiple versions. After the initial copy, we had to make a clean version -- no foul language or drug references. Then after that we had to get it close captioned.
SS: And of course all these things cost money to get done and come with deadlines. After the first review, which took 2-3 weeks, they contact you and the process speeds up significantly…we had a week to resubmit the revised editions of the song. We were excited, but also feeling the pressure of getting everything done. If you plan something like this, be prepared for post-production issues and costs.
T: So after that, you were on to MTV?
S: Basically. After you get everything in they give you an initial air date and tell you where and when you’ll be in rotation. We got placed on the show ‘Freshman’, which spotlight new artists. The show is on five days a week at: 8:30am, 1:30pm, 5:30pm. It plays primarily on MTV-U, which goes to over 740 universities and colleges.
Part of the package was also space on the website, MTV.com. We had to build an artist page.
T: Last words?
S: The Real Live Show recently made history as the first Hip-Hop band to play at the Blue Note.
SS: …and look out for our LP, ‘Class is in Session’ distributed this fall…just in time for the back-to-school rush.
‘Shop Rocking’ on MTV.com -- www.mtv.com/bands/az/real_live_show/artist.jhtml
Check out The Real Live Show at: www.realliveshow.com
The Real Live Show [website]
Friday, January 12, 2007
If you like basketball, or the NY Knicks (some might say the Knicks are not quite basketball) .... check it out.
On a nominally related note, I also like these "Please Comment" avatar/icons.
The Geek, The Bully, & The Idiot [TAN]
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Public Resources -I should add if you have any suggestions or ideas for things that should be covered in Ghetto Pass, feel free to email me or leave them in the comment box.
The Pool - Public pools in the ghetto are filled with more drama and craziness than your average reality show. The experience is rife with obstacles and pitfalls such as flimsy lockers with "Please Steal The Contents of this Locker" signs on them, and the ever-present fluid from Cooties Creek streamed all over the shower and lockerroom floor. On a hot day the reward is great, a 2x2 square foot of space in a big warm pool of chlorinated water
and urine. Watch out for the floating condoms and cigarettes. Supplies: Antimicrobial swimsuit with UrineGuard+, Ass-Defenders (to protect against towel snappers), Total Enclosure Stainless Steel Athletic Feet Protectors, clenched fists (for inflicting damage on those who intrude on your personal space.
Ghetto Pass [Gawker]
Monday, January 08, 2007
So, I've gotten enough emails on this that I should obviously post about it. The 2007 Bloggies have been underway (I'm actually kind of late, there are only two more days for voting!!!) (I might remove those exclamation points in the first parenthetical sometime later, don't be shocked.)
Despite being nominated for some awards in my rookie year, I've become a little desensitized to them because ultimately I know they're built around categories, and TAN is quite simply UNCATEGORIZABLE. They don't have a "hot-like-fire" category. They don't have a "best blog with a blogger who raps, and covers race, humor, news, personal stories, hip hop, and administers Ghetto Passes, all with equal wit, aplomb, and general hotness" category. So I suspect I'm kind of stuck until I kill myself, and get my Lifetime Achievement Bloggie posthumously.
Anybloggie, if you did want to vote for TAN, I guess "Best Kept Secret" would be the way to go.
Here are some other blogs that may get a spot on my form:
Mist1 - What can I say? If you wanna get my attention, write a post hypothesizing on our marriage with 91 comments attached to it (long-winded freestyle-comment response, and subsequent blog-gossiping not always included). Aside from that though, Mist1 is amusing, consistent, and has a devoted audience, all very impressive for a fish in a bowl.
FreeDarko - Shoals, Recluse, and the rest of the boys at FD and I are actually working out terms for TAN to join the mission. Needless to say the results will be epic. But don't wait for my arrival, they're already plenty good now.
Funky Brown Chick - Brown chicks in the city are always interesting, no? She also has started a podcast called "Dating Roadkill" that I hear is all the rage. Don't get run over.
Dallaspenn - Their ethering of Tom Breihan caused quite a stir in the hip hop online world, but they have range and hot fire for days also.
StraightBangin' - Joey is getting around, and when he digs into a subject you usually just nod your head and say "word, pretty much nailed that." Unless, you're more inclined to say something like "hmmm" or "hmmph" or "youdon'tsay." But whatever your lexicon, he's got good content for you. Peep Songs of the Year. And then check out his other end of year recaps.
This is hot, it kind of turned into a "I'm black and I'm proud" link-love session. There are a lot of other blogs worthy of me mentioning, blah blah blah, sorry if I didn't mention you, blah blah blah, seriously, blah blah, my brains fried right now so I just can't remember everyone[/blah], when I actually fill out my form I might come and add to this list. But I might not. Please don't cry.
Notes from Underground - I've been checking for Taj ever since she made herself known, she's funnier than me, and her whole styze is basically butter, ... go put some on your popcorn (that was "corny", she wouldn't say no ish like that).
OK, NOW GO VOTE!!!
2007 Bloggies [Seventh Annual Weblog Awards]
Friday, January 05, 2007
Mr. Autrey was waiting for the downtown local at 137th Street and Broadway in Manhattan around 12:45 p.m. He was taking his two daughters, Syshe, 4, and Shuqui, 6, home before work.
You obviously need to read the story, but both Autrey and Hollopeter survived, on some straight cinematic ish. I'm sure Will Smith is optioning the movie rights as we speak.
Nearby, a man collapsed, his body convulsing. Mr. Autrey and two women rushed to help, he said. The man, Cameron Hollopeter, 20, managed to get up, but then stumbled to the platform edge and fell to the tracks, between the two rails.
The headlights of the No. 1 train appeared. “I had to make a split decision,” Mr. Autrey said.
So he made one, and leapt.
Mr. Autrey lay on Mr. Hollopeter, his heart pounding, pressing him down in a space roughly a foot deep. The train’s brakes screeched, but it could not stop in time.
Only a few days in, this may very well be the feel-good story of the year. And there's been plenty of hubbub. Michael Bloomberg awarded him the bronze star, the city's highest citizen award (previous winners include Martin Luther King, Muhammad Ali, and Gen. Douglas MacArthur). Donald Trump has given him $10K. MTA gave him a years supply of metrocards (woohoo! come on MTA, if ever there was a moment to give the lifetime metrocard this was it). There's talk of reality shows, and scholarships for his daughter. All very deserving.
Do read the NY Times opinion/comment section, where there are 540+ comments and counting, all amusingly speculating on whether they'd have the cajones to Do What Wesley Did.
Two subsequent thoughts that strike me: 1.) The man he saved was a stranger, and by himself, but what if he was there with his girlfriend or boyfriend? Obviously he's a hero/angel/new hardcore emcee moniker because anyone might pause before jumping in front of an oncoming train, even if you'd been dating for a while. But I'm totally amused by the idea that someone's partner falls in, they don't have the balls to save them, but this guy does. And now you have to face that in the aftermath. Would the relationship be over? If it were a married couple, would you just hold it over their head for the rest of all time? "I know you couldn't save me on the train tracks earlier, so just plan on taking out the trash and washing the dishes in perpetuity. Thanks. Oh, and the oral sex? Wesley's gonna be receiving that going forward. Just FYI."
2.) On the flip side, while I'm totally in the Wesley-as-angel camp, he did have two daughters, so it's not just his life he was risking. If the scene turns tragic, who knows how they might be affected. It's slightly less selfless (microscopically so) because of their presence.
Luckily it was all good, so we just get to watch a hero get his due. And I'm feeling all the rewards and accolades he's getting, so I might just start going around pushing people into traffic and on to train tracks just so I can save them and make some paper. Might be easier than getting paid via writing for magazines.
Man Is Rescued by Stranger on Subway Tracks [NY Times]
Subway Savior Showered With Gifts [Federal News Radio]
I won't dig much into this, cause it's just sad, and I don't like sad. But to argue against my own headline, the story does say he was just watching reports on the news, as opposed to being online watching the detailed video of Saddam's execution. But I'm guessing the public spin and reaction here is going to be along the lines of pro-censorship.
Accidental Tragedy [NY Times]
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Feed Thine Enemies Biscuits - While most won't notice the difference between the chicken from major chains and the Ghetto Chicken Spot, you definitely will notice the depressingly low grade of biscuits. Ghetto Chicken Spot biscuits are turned down by everyone including starving artists, refugees, and stray dogs. No one knows what they're made of for sure, but remember when you used to take little pieces of white bread and roll it into little balls? Think that, but biscuit size, and with less flavor.Ghetto Pass [Gawker]
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Behind door #2 we have this guy (indubitably happy we don't know his name) who proposes after his girlfriend wins an arena contest for tickets to a Wizards game. It doesn't go nearly as swimmingly, Extreme Cringe Action here:
Gotta love the announcer punctuating things with a morbid "ooh."
So while asking your lady to marry you in front of a stadium of people may sound romantic, it's clearly not a no-brainer, press your luck accordingly fellas. You definitely might want to slip in the 'ol "so, I had this crazy dream the other day, where I proposed to you in front of tens of thousands of people. I woke up before you responded though, so I was wondering, even though it was just a dream, how do you think you'd respond to such a scenario?" over dinner.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Hello there, my name is TAN, you might know me better as [redacted]. We never met in person, but I wrote a few columns for your magazine, Avery Cardoza’s Player.
I have a lot of love for you, Avery, after all you gave me my entry into glossy magazines, with an actual “column” no less. It was called The Devil’s Publicist, maybe you've read it? It's an amazing premise, I know, I thought of it myself. Surely if we had a wee bit better distribution we would have reversed the earth's rotation with the mind-altering notion of THE DEVIL having a PUBLICIST writing for a MAGAZINE.
HOLY SHIT!! A TORNADO JUST SPONTANEOUSLY FORMED IN MY ROOM JUST BY VIRTUE OF WRITING THAT. COULD IT BE THE DEVIL'S WORK??? IT'S HOVERING RIGHT OVER THE CAPS LOCK KEY FOR SOME REASON. IT'S AN INCRDIBLE SIGHT TO BEHOLD...
Ok, it’s gone now.
And now I feel I must confess. See, I’m probably putting a little extra effort into this letter, so that maybe, just maybe, you can use it as content. It'd be cool to occasionally run a letter from one of your writers every now and then, don't you think? Did I mention how being able to call myself a "columnist" helped me with the ladies? I think I might have doubled, or even tripled the time it takes for girls to reject me. It's been friggin' awesome getting to bask in the glow of romantic possibility for upwards of ten-to-fifteen minutes. Though I can't say the job title has helped with my landlord nearly as much. Anywavery, yeah, I was trying to add a little spice here and there, so that maybe this would become print worthy. Lord knows anything can be published on the internet these days.
My hope is that you using this as content would make you feel extra satisfied that you got every last penny's worth of effort from me, I wouldn't want you to feel like I cheated you as a writer. Like I just took your money and ran.
Of course, a prescient individual such as yourself no doubt already knows, it'd be impossible for me to take the money and run because, well, BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN PAID YET (there goes that caps lock tornado again), and ultimately that is the reason why I'm writing you today.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean to suggest you've NEVER-EVER paid me, and my heavens those first checks I received from you were wonderful. They afforded me the ability to eat and use electricity at the same time for, I don't know, almost a month maybe. But then I kept writing, and the checks stopped. And then I contacted Beth, and she told me at one point the check was "in the mail." And I was so excited, because surely you and your magazine wouldn't fall victim to using a cliche like "the check is in the mail" without actually meaning it. But lo and behold my mailbox has continued to receive the usual bills and death threats, but alas, no check from Avery.
Now I've heard this is common in "the game," some might say, "hey, just be glad you got a check at some point, and that you don't work for Radar." And it might be a stretch to say my words are worth as much as the glossy paper it's printed on, let alone more. But don’t you think it’s time someone took a stand for integrity? What does a magazine have to go on without its reputation, and the relationships with its writers?
Here’s the thing, and to be honest, I really didn’t want to get this personal, but you were my glossy-break, and kind of like a mentor to me, so if I can't seek out your counsel, then who? Gawker??? God no.
The thing is, I really need the $1500 for my sick grandmother. She's dying, and the doctor said he could save her for $1500. Which, just so happens to be the same amount you owe me. How lucky for all of us ... if, you know, you can pay me sometime soon. Preferably in time to save her life. She basically raised me when my mother abandoned me, and sent me off in a cab by myself, and it would mean a lot if I could repay her. But I'm a a lowly freelancer, (hence your snubbing of me I presume, if I was Snoop Dogg you'd probably pay me right? I understand, I'd pay Snoop also) and I get paid pennies for 100-hour work weeks. I mean I have the blog, and um, well you know, the blog can get pretty intense, you may have noticed I've been actually responding to comments in the past few weeks. Comments take time Mr. President, of Player Magazine.
About a month ago, after another ineffective bout of privately asking for payment, I contacted Al Sharpton, who I keep on speed dial for when I feel the walls of injustice closing in around me. I asked him if he thought there might be racism involved, he said, "Oh yes, most definitely," but he also said he couldn't help me until I acquired a little more fame and notoriety and/or I was lynched or otherwise murdered in egregiously racist fashion. So maybe if the charming and conciliatory elements of this letter don't persuade you to send money, perhaps the smug sarcastic side will inspire you to come kill me instead?
But this isn't about race. It's about a new year, and a fresh start. A fresh start for the conscience of Avery Cardoza's Player Magazine, a fresh start for me, a fresh start for my poor grandma. It's a chance to kick off 2007 and make a statement that says "we're no longer going to tread upon the dreams of the little guy, and black people, we here at Player Magazine believe everyone should be paid for their hard work, even if it's in an incredibly untimely fashion, months and months and months later. Let auld acqaintances be forgotten, or something like that. And to commemorate this, I will hereby send TAN, the check we owe him
Don't you want to make that statement with me Mr. Cardoza? Let's do it together.
I have the same mailing and e-mail address. Feel free to be in touch. I sent you a Christmas card, I don't know if you received it. It had me and my grandma in my apartment with empty plates and no electricity on it. We were just about to kill the cat so we could eat something for Xmas. Nevertheless, we were happy. We are happy. Cause we know there's justice in this world, and we know you and Player Magazine believe in that justice, and thus I will be receiving my monies soon.
Much obliged. So a very Happy New year to you and yours Mr. C, and all good wishes for the magazine in '07, and again, feel free to run this letter in the magazine, free of charge (like my last column, HA!), I bet your readers would enjoy the little look behind the scenes. And play on, Player.
TAN & His Loving Grandma.
UPDATE: took down the email link, possible resolution pending. will update later.
Monday, January 01, 2007
All I'm saying is if this is true, we need to be all over him. Especially if he just wants to get paid.
Bring In Cowher!
Though even more so than the coach, the real troubling concern is the QB situation. Eli has looked abominable, and he's pretty locked in. I don't know if anyone can fix that.