Wednesday, February 28, 2007

TAN Party Crash: Idolator "Launch" Party

So last night, Idolator, the ipod shuffle in Nick Denton's digital-chic media ensemble, had a launch party five months after the fact. Proving that money buys you the right to use the word "Launch!" whenever you like. Plus, since it's a blog they can just backdate the timestamp and ... HA! Incidentally — the name Idolator? — no one knows how to pronounce it, including Denton, but the consensus appears to be that it rhymes with "I'll holla at her." After reading the flyer and seeing they were being particular about numbers (let us know if there's a plus-one? Um, did you say "open bar??!!?"), I rounded up all my friends (2), and decided to venture over international waters to see how crazy white people hold it down in The Slope. After the jump find out how many times I kissed Deadspin editor Will Leitch, what the I'll-Holla-At-Her editors think about hip hop, and how many assimilated negroes it takes to form an African tribe.

----------- there's not really a jump on my blog. it sucks, i know. ----------

Upon arrival with TAN2 (whom some of you may remember from a recent Guy's Night Out), we immediately started swilling ketel-and-crans like, uh, I don't know, like it was an open bar and we were the only two thirsty alcoholic black guys at the party. Ahhh, it's not funny cause it's true. After a couple drinks to "normalize" I spotted EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Heather and lead editor Alex Balk. Alex, who whenever he sees me shakes his fist at the heavens and curses his luck (I think that's what he's doing), voiced his approval of the "First Responders: The Oscars" video posted earlier that day, then asked about my column, or lackthereof. Here’s a little Gawk inside info: in the past week I’ve probably sent Balk five emails on the “status” of my column. The funniest aspect about moneylancing for Gawker is I swear all the editors are like the guy from Memento. If you didn't talk about it on IM in the last twenty minutes, no one knows anything. Either that or they have some weird psycho-amnesiatic response to melanin people (see it's not always about race with me).

As we are genetically predisposed to doing, TAN2 and I quickly detected the smell of negro musk and spotted TWO MORE assimilated negroes hidden amongst the Caucasian weeds. Like the cliché-negro-stock-characters we are, we quickly made friends, yet somehow it didn't seem at all ironical when I-AM-NOT-AN-INTERN Heather asked us to gather like some band of African tribesman for a shot around the watering hole. I didn't see Heather organize another "group picture" the entire night. Of course us assimilated negroes just laughed it off, then clicked-and-grunted about the old motherland before sticking our spears into a nearby wildebeest.

At some point I was able to mosey on by the stars of the show, the two editors of Idolator: [uh, hold on one sec, I have to go to look up their names ... wiki, no ... ok, I'll just go to their site ... scrolling down now ... should be showing up ... any second ... OK, got it!] Brian Raftery and Maura Johnston. After some pleasantries, I cut to the chase quickly with both of them, "Yo, what the fuck is going on with the hip hop coverage???" Although with my assimilation-translation machine it probably sounded more like, "So I notice when you guys do hip hop posts, you don't get much response. That must make it tough to sustain coverage. What do you think about that?"

Both looked at me like, “duh, we totally knew you were going to ask that, TAN!” and then gave fairly thoughtful responses. Unfortunately I was too drunk to remember the details, and could actually care less about hip hop (outside joke!), but I remember feeling satisfied, and confident that neither Maura or Brian would be getting filed under "Cracka Crackdown" anytime soon. Yay! Stereogum on the other hand? Jury's still out ... they could still very well meet the infamous CC aluminum bat.

Around this time the place got very packed, and on a Tuesday night that meant "peace out" time for TAN was fast approaching. Over the course of the rest of the evening I got to kiss Will Leitch about three times, lavish praise on Jim Cooke (who did the graphics for Ghetto Pass and Negro Bowl), and meet the editor's assistant who assigned me the rant I'm doing for Penthouse (it's a doozy!). But the night really belonged to Nick Denton's ipod shuffle, Idolator. It was a crazy and festive affair, totally appropriate for a site that's clearly going places (on Denton's lapel!). In fact it was so much fun I barely noticed that the barely audible music playing sucked. Eh, who cares about music anyway?

Idolator, All About the Music ... If Only It Were

SoHo Knows: The Oscars

Here's some on the street reaction to The Oscars:

Pringles or Condoms?

At some point in my life I started looking at my wallet as an economy. I didn’t "make money" per se. My wallet was either up or down. When the economy is good, people see me more, people get gifts, people get little fuss over the details of the bill. "Don't worry," I tell them, "the economy is looking good right now." You might see me with a new t-shirt. The economy is usually good for two weeks in spring, and then [insert long beautifully descriptive phrase about cold Alaskan winters here.]

When the economy’s down I have to pay more attention to the details of my budget. Such are the realities of life.

Now, I’m not an employee of Pringles, I'm just a man who has to make choices. And my chip choices are particularly discerning. I'm more discerning about chips than women. I think there are many different types of women to choose from: Hot, super-hot, not as hot, smart-hot, funny hot, etc. But there are only two brands of chips that exist in my world, Doritos and Pringles.

So with that little bit of setup, now on to the matter at hand: Pringle vs. Condoms (read: sex)

Flavor choice matters here. It doesn’t really matter what your particular preferred flavor is — plain, ranch, bbq, snotty — whatever. It just matters that they are indeed your A-#1-top choice. If you don't have a top flavor-choice, I advise you to take a long hard look in the mirror and take a stand for once in your life. Choose one now.

Ok. First we deal with the worse-case scenarios. A bad chip is better than bad sex. Frankly, there’s really no such thing as a "bad" Pringle. Part of the Pringle mystique is they maintain a nonpareil level of consistently high quality on a chip-to-chip basis. That's to say, even their bad chips are pretty good. Nothing burnt, or shriveled up, or over-seasoned. Those things happen with other chip brands.

Meanwhile bad sex can really suck. You may not know exactly why the sex was bad, but if it happens to be related to inadequacies on your part then you risk damage to your reputation, and the emotional, and possible physical scarring as a result. You don't take this kind of risk with Pringles.

But there are tons of other types of "bad sex." You could be falling out of love and confirm it with bad sex. You could have a condom break. You could get herpes. You could be cheating and get caught. You could be videotaped and circulated around the internet.

So the risk factor with "bad sex" is exponentially larger than getting a bad Pringle. A bad Pringle might be kind of bland, it may leave you disappointed, but it won't leave you with a broken heart, an unwanted child, or AIDS (can you get AIDS through chips?).

However, on the flip side, your average romp in the hay is equivalent to about one-half stack of you A-#1-top flavor of Pringles [needs citation]. And for the cost of one container of Pringles, you can probably get one three-pack of condoms. So you can come out ahead on the pleasure quotient, but then again you also take on extra "bad sex" risk 3 more times.

With Pringles vs. Condoms theory in mind I jingled the change in my pocket.

Hmmm, I only had $2.13 in unmarked small coins. I wouldn't be able to afford both condoms AND Pringles. I would have to make a choice ....

FreeWrittens: Butter On Hominy Grits

From the archives:

MP3 File

Yo I start wreckin’
Like yo I didn’t reckon
Putting on the record
Press play and record
Might play a little checkers
Then I cross the checkered
Then I play chess
Some will be the pawn
I’m shopping at the pawn
Looking for the scroll
Down when I scroll
Not nick kroll
But getting on a roll
Like butter on a roll
Wouldn’t touch it with a pole
In the north or south pole
One team one goal
Score another goal
Except usa
everybody saw em fold
Like paper that I fold
Pleats are little folds
I gotta billfold
Yo, shit’s empty
It’s too much for the tracks
I’m on the wrong side of the tracks
On my arm I got tracks
For the heroin
I need a girl not a heroine
But yo, hope she got boobies
And a nice booty
One that don’t dooky
Might sound a little cooky
Like broccoli cookies
Aww sooky-sooky
Checking on the time
Keeping it on time
Weapon when I rhyme
One time for your mind
I hope you don’t mind
Planting little mines
If it’s mine, I say it’s mine
If it’s yours I say it’s fine
Unless it’s a girl then I say, damn you look fine girl
would you like a little wine girl
Don’t whine girl
Not the type to have nine girls
I’m not german
But I am germane to the world of the insane
Like jermaine jack
And then I get the mike’s hard
You think this mic’s hard
Yo I get it hot /[indecipherable]
Get the mic hard
Hot like fire
Better get your right guard
N’s is gay
But I’m getting brokeback love
Smoke that bud
I hope that club
Choke that buzz
I’m loco cuz
Better call the popo fuzz
Hot like ironing your clothes in the heatwave
In the blue room no AC
No lineouts better call the AV
Call the story off the AP
No games
Like Gnarls B
I’m crazy …

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Ku Klux Kramer Flashback: The Bruno Defense

From the unpublished archives: This is an extended review of the series Black. White, a reality show where two families tried to experience what life is like as "the other" race.

Meet Bruno.

Bruno is one of the main characters in the series Black.White.
and he represents the quintessential intellectual race snob. He is a smart, liberally-educated guy, that also likes to hang with the fellas while drinking the King of Beers. His is the jersey that reads "RATIONALIST" on the back. It's an inside joke, and you better smile, or he'll be forced to explain it to you.

Like your average NFL offensive coordinator, Bruno is viewing the plays of his life detached, through a window up high. He seeks perspective over participation. For him race is a construct; a fast and talented defense that can be decoded and controlled if given enough data and attempts. Racism is a gameplan, you can scheme against it. And while Bruno comes across as a first ballot shoo-in for reality television's Hall of Legendary Assholes, at some point you have to back off because there is a well of good spirit underneath his mouth's electric performance as a geyser of bullshit. The Bruno-it-alls rationale comes from a belief in one of our most cherished assumptions: that before race, gender and hipsterdom, we are all human.

The Michael Richards Maelstrom flushed a lot of Brunos out from the soil. As one TAN reader, let's call him "Bruno," eloquently put it in response to the extreme Richards backlash,
Isnt this a case of REVERSE racism? Arent we all equal? Shouldnt we be? Why are we carrying the cross of dead men? All that were living during the time of slavery have died right.....and werent we all born in a free nation? Why not bury this crippling legacy. Its over.
Easier said than done.

To answer some of the questions: Maybe, no, yes, because dead men smell good and crosses are stylish, yes, maybe.

Ok. Now that's settled.

I think this information age, where everyone knows everything, and thinks at a rate of 11,000 kbps, makes it easy to forget how irrational life is. Like memories in Eternal Sunshine, some questions/issues have an emotional core, and they can't be reduced into a solveable yes-no equation. If you have a wife or girlfriend you should read this paragraph again.

When confronted with a blatant demonstration of racism, Bruno-it-alls are faced with a vexing problem. How can people possibly possess such hate for another person, just by virtue of their skin color? It doesn't compute. Racism is irrational, and so Bruknows seek out reasons that allow it to compute.

(to be continued ...)


Video on Gawker.


Richard and I once speculated on "SoHo Knows" as a title.

This is also my myspace pic, I really like it.

WTF Are These Ni**as Talkin' About?!!?

The debate over the "n-word" continues, NY1 reports:
A symbolic resolution banning a commonly-used racial slur is one step closer to passing, after the measure was approved by a review committee on Monday. As NY1’s Molly Kroon reports, sponsors hope the resolution will educate teens on the word’s painful history.
What's never clear in this debate is what we're trying to prevent by censoring the word. I believe in having respect for people who bristle when they hear the term, the same way I try not to curse or use the word "vagina" around my grandfather. But if we're noting that rappers all use it, and athletes all use it, and young negroes in general fancy it, particularly amongst their friends, ... then why can't we just accept it? Obviously it's not going anywhere, and it's not like white people pull out their hoods and burning crosses whenever they hear the word (oh wait, they do? D'oh!). The would-be-censors seem to be arguing that by using the word we implicitly give permission to be racist? Like it's a gateway drug leading to .... well I already made that joke. Point being, the logic is very flawed considering how prevalent the word is now. At this point it's a curse-word, not an epithet.

The ridiculousness is compounded when these politicians are passing "symbolic resolutions." WTF is a SYMBOLIC RESOLUTION?!!? Somebody needs to slap these ni**as awake and make them pass REAL RESOLUTIONS about things that matter.


City Council Ni**as Move To Waste Our Time And Money On Bullsh*t

Blog It Forward

My family still likes to send forwards. That's why I love them. Sometimes they're of the classic variety and worthy of sharing, if only to establish the Great Forwards of our Time:
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe in 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh ? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
Don't act like you don't know what to do.

Monday, February 26, 2007

The Only Entertaining Moment During The Oscars

Courtesy of Best Week Ever, this was a funny premise nicely played by Will Ferrell, Jack Black and later John C. Reilly.

Lord Finesse's Birthday Bash

Went to this show on Friday. Primo on the wheels, Chuck D. hosting, and a lineup of hip hop "golden era" veterans at Irving Plaza. I will write more about this later, but for now the only thing immediately imperative is sharing that Greg Nice has a myspace page. You should add him immediately.

"don't ask why, I got my own reasons ..."

Seriously, Nice & Smooth closed the show and absolutely killed it. I'm considering calling the mayor and lobbying for the last week in February to be heretoforwith known as Nice & Smooth week. Here's their submission to the Assimilation Pantheon: "Sometimes I Rhyme Slow"

More to come...
(and does anyone have a better copy of this video?)

TAN Live Blogs The Oscars

5:00 - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
12:30 - huh? oh, YAY for Scorsese! (and Forest!)

(I might actually look to do video reaction to the Oscars today, but pretty sure all my questions will be about how long and boring it is)

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Ghetto Pass: In Review

So this past week we put "The Logo" to rest. I don't think Ghetto Pass is completely R.I.P — we might break it out for special occasions — but as a weekly written feature it's done.

I've been feeling the video moves of late, and I'm looking forward to making more sweet love with Gawk videographer Richard Blakeley; so that'll be the regular TAN contribution to the Gawk empire while I figure out a feature that works for the new era.

Ghetto Pass was a huge success in the first half of its run. And then I got a little bored with the premise and started experimenting. Nothing really clicked in the experimental phase, though I still stand by the hip hop oriented subjects; I think those just played for the wrong crowd. Anygawk, the arc of the series makes me regret the blog tradition of newer always being on top, since the best clips are now at the bottom if you use the GP label. But White Castle was a nice way to close it out, and alls well that ends well.

Here were my favorites, and none-too-coincidentally, the first six in the series:

The Ghetto Chinese Spot

Corner Bodegas
Livery "Gypsy" Cabs
Ghetto Pickup Artists
The Long Booty (Street Entrepreneurs)
Person of the Year: You, Caucasians

Good times, good times.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Assimilation Program: Writer's Track

McSweeney's celebrates Black History Month.

There are all sorts of Negro Assimilation ProgramS (NAPS). Some negroes want to go into finance. Some remain traditionalist, and prefer to emulate the caucasian mainstream by robbing them of their ipods and corduroy blazers and then, you know, using those items later to lure unsuspecting caucasianistas into their web of macabre miscegenation.


But if you're on the Writer's Track, no assimilation program is complete without a clip from the Mecca of demonstrably Caucasian humor: McSweeney's.

Today I was fortunate enough to earn my Eggers Stripes and get my "Black History Month: An Objective Perspective" placed in the hallowed halls. So my caucasian peeps, if you're so inclined, feel free to pour a little latte for your boy.

What tickles me most is the byline: The Assimilated Negro. Venerable literary institutions can be picky with that sometimes, so I will always love them for respecting the three little words that are destined to end enhance racism around the globe.

And look ma, I didn't even use the word "negro."

Black History Month: An Objective Perspective [McSweeney's]

Eddie Murphy Haterade Is Not Pretty

Wow, found this via Liam McEneany (say that 700 times fast). I can't believe this guy (Fred Travalena) actually got a full five minutes to run with this Eddie Murphy impression-schtick. Satirizing a comedian is difficult -- as Fred capably demonstrates -- because you have to emulate all the tics and characterizations PLUS (and this is the part Fred forgot) you have to actually be funny within that style. Worth watching for shock, but I'm not sure there's a legitimate laugh in the whole bit:

Jackin' For Content

A reader sent this spotting a while ago, and I forgot to post it. It appears CBS Sportsline and Mike Freeman really enjoyed my Negro Bowl idea and decided to use it for themselves.

At first I thought it was just a quick reference, and I didn't think anything of it. But then I saw my boy Mike really feeling himself on it:
This week's edition of MMM revolves around the word "negro." It got you folks all riled up. I called the Super Bowl featuring two black coaches "The Negro Bowl." Lots of letters. Lots and lots of letters to MMM.
The word "negro" gets folks riled up? OH SNAP! I might have to use it sometime. Oh, and "The Negro Bowl" coinage ... so inspired.
"If a white reporter wrote this article, you would be screaming that he was a racist," wrote a reader. "I guess it is supposed to be acceptable since you are a black man."

It is acceptable because MMM is funny with a dash of brilliance.
I totally agree, a white guy might have trouble writing about "Negro Bowl." But can't TAN be funny with a dash of brilliance also? Plus I easily have the better of the three-letter all-caps acronyms.
"Mike, I'm a humor columnist for the daily in Syracuse," wrote one absolute genius. "Just had to say I laughed out loud at your Negro Bowl line. I might have to use it in my Friday column and if I do I will credit you. Funny stuff."
HAHAHAHAHA, so funny! I just got it!!! Negro Bowl is friggin' HILARIOUS. What a "line." But what I really like is how this guy notes that he will credit Mike. What a novel idea. But I guess CBS and Mike don't agree, since TAN couldn't get a shout.

I mean it's not like I had three segments done, with video in the can, before they could say,
Since the matchup first became reality, I have been calling this The Negro Bowl. It's a joke, people. Lighten up.
(Ha! I keep forgetting that it's a joke. So funny.)

And it's not like if you put "Negro Bowl" in Google you get hit over the head with

TAN & Deadspin got this covered, thanks.

Oh wait! It is like that.

It's all good though, I believe in the communal reservoir of ideas, and honestly, I've been dying for someone to jack some of my stuff. It's sort of an internet write-of-passage. Plus, I'm the last person to try and hate on a brother trying to use the word "negro" to his advantage. Spread the negro-love baby.

And really, compared to my five-part package, it's kind of like when Jay-Z said, "you made it a hot line, I made it a hot song..."

Except, I made it a hot line also.

The OFFICIAL coverage of Negro Bowl I [Deadspin]
CBS Sportsline Bootleg Edition [CBS Sportsline]

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Bald Britney: TAN On The Streets (video)

As we did for Negro Bowl I, Richard Blakeley and I hit the streets to hear what people thought about this Bald Britney drama. Here are the video results:

First Responders: Bald Britney [Gawker]

Guys Night Out: President's Day Edition

So I think I'm going to start a new feature on TAN, and I'm calling it "Guys Night Out." Fairly self explanatory, these evenings always unfold in different ways, and it's time to start documenting. Maybe we'll learn something. You'll see I had a Guys Night Out with copyranter and some non-bloggers a couple weeks ago, it concluded with electrifying footage of me crying over a piece of Popeye's fried chicken (film not posted), so obviously someone needs to be telling these stories. I think the only stipulation/rule needed is three or more guys (at the start of the evening), and alcohol ... mix it all together and you have:


Prelude: The Friendship Credit System

So this edition occurs on Sunday eve, the night before President's Day. And it was one of the rare episodes actually initiated by TAN. I'm usually lured into nights on the town, I don't usually start them, after all Negro Bowl coverage doesn't just write itself while I'm out drinking Ketel & Crans.

But this Sunday I thought I set us up with a no-brainer. The crew that runs okayplayer was having a birthday party, open bar, at this downtown wine spot Von. I might be doing some work with them (stop sleeping on the TAN takeover), plus I feel the okayplayer brand carries an implicit promise of cute girls that like hip hop; so combine that with Von being right off my train line (the 6), a holiday the next day, and free drinks I said, no-brainer.

I recruited two fellow assimilated negro associates, we'll call them TAN2 and TAN3 for now. And while TAN3 was equally enthused and offered little reticence, TAN2 was fronting because he was one of the few people that had to go to work the next day. Kickoff time at Von was 9:30, so it would be tough for it to be an early night, and he was concerned about the consequences for Monday.

This led to the prelude centering around forming the skeleton for a Friendship Credit System. TAN2 kept making sure that I knew he was going out to be "a good friend," and that in the context of work it was sort of a pain in the ass. But after hearing him going on about this for a while, I told him that while he gets some credit, it's not that big of a deal, for all of the reasons I cited above. The comparison was made to the act of picking up food/pizza delivery at TAN2's four-floor walkup apartment. So then I started thinking about the chip system that earns you friendship credits. For example, if the party was located all the way on the west side and we had to do a bunch of walking in the cold, that would add chips to the table. And if there happened to be a ton of girls at this party, it would take chips off because I'd be doing him a favor. The rest of the trip to Von consisted of figuring out how many chips TAN2 had earned. The final statement was made after getting off the train, while crossing the street TAN2 sort of prevented me from being hit by a car, and immediately tacked on big numbers to his chip count. We never did seal down a reward system though, i.e. x # of chips = you buy me a ticket to Vegas. Maybe next time.

Von: The Ironic Appeal of Crowds

We got to Von around 10:15 or so, and it was already very crowded, and people were continuing to pour in. I left TAN2 at the bar so I could case the joint and look for the birthday girl (whom I hadn't met in person). I spotted her, and exchanged a few pleasantries, but it was tough to do any talking. I got the "code" for the open bar and returned to share the info with TAN2. When we finally got to the bartender I was informed, "the tab has run out, no more open bar." YES!! Awesome. The bartender actually looked out and gave free drinks on that round, but I guess tabs run out quickly when the place is overstuffed. That also crossed off one of the bullets on the "no-brainer checklist," TAN2 was adding more chips to his tally.

Since moving around was a headache, we planned to stay at the bar for the first round, then re-up and move to the back. It seems to me bars have a really small window for being actually conducive to the process of meeting people etc.. If you go to a bar or spot where no one is there, then "it's dead" and no one wants to be there. But if it's crowded and poppin', you can't get around or talk or do anything. You need that balance, and how often do you get that? I think this is the main reason why bars aren't inherently compelling to me.

So we moved to the back and waited to hear from TAN3, who was coming from an earlier outing. In the process we got to talk a little bit with some of the okaypeeps, so at least part of the mission was accomplished. But it was all cumbersome, all moving about required traffic cones and people being punched in the face for fear of them knocking into your glass of wine. TAN2 premised that since he was out, he could stay out (he actually said that after his first sip of wine, alcohol solves everything with him), but we'd need to change venues since this one was frustrating. So when TAN3 finally arrived, we appraised him of the scene. Fought through the crowd for one more drink, and then we bounced.

The Crawl: There Is No Force More Powerful Than Drunken Hunger

At this point TAN2 and myself realized we had not eaten, and the hunger was consuming our brains. All speculation on venues were based on their proximity to an adequate eating establishment. There were two main options: No Malice Palace, which has a vintage taco shack next door. Or Keybar, which is down the block from a Popeye's, and was the main venue for the aforementioned episode with copyranter. We theorized the taco shack would be closed on a cold Sunday night, so Keybar it was. Three negroes successfully hailed a cab, and we pulled up just as Popeye's was closing their doors. CURSES!!! I was so disappointed, but we went into Keybar anyways, where my misery was compounded by getting the worst glass of wine (merlot) I've ever partially consumed. TAN2 at this point was ready to start heading home, but TAN3 was still looking for action. We decided to give No Malice and the tacos a shot.

Three negroes successfully hailed a cab AGAIN, and we pulled up just as the Taco Shack was closing its doors. DAMN YOU GOD, HAVE YOU NO MERCY!!! We went into No Malice still hungry, but at least here we had some hip hop music playing. No Malice should have been the place we came to first, we would have gotten the tacos, and the scene was nice. Instead, TAN2 and myself were now totally all about getting some food. My dodgeball had been blowing up with people at Lit Lounge, where they have a karaoke night every Sunday, and usually an open bar to accompany for an hour or two. There are also eating options around.

At Lit we ran into some familiar friends and bloggers. But the segue of going from a smoother hip hop spot to an indie rock scene with people doing ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE karaoke ... that was a little tough. Nevertheless, we held it down for a little while with friends. We considered doing a Three Negroes version of "99Problems," but I wasn't down. After a few drinks we decided to wrap it up. TAN3 still wasn't hungry, so he took off on his own to catch the last Path train of the night. TAN2 and myself hit up Veselka to go. And two negroes hailed their third cab of the night. Which I guess means the night, all in all, wasn't too bad. At least I have something to tell my grandkids.

(also, considering nothing really happened on this GNO, I have to find a way to make this a little more succint)

Best Intents

The tragedy … I don’t understand. All around us. Heartbreak. Everyday.

The moment when you realize a relationship is not going to be forever, it manifests in different ways:

Joe looked at her, and though he couldn’t quite make out the details in the distance, he saw the end. He felt the heavy sadness return, as it always does.

He smiled. Sometimes a smile is one of the most challenging things you’ll do. We communicate so much without talking. A smile can constitute work. A smile can be a chore. Work is not a 9-5, 10-6, 12-8 thing. It’s 24-hours. It’s not measured by time. It’s a constant opportunity. Work is a transaction. It is a sacrifice of oneself. A crucifixion? ... maybe? ... sometimes?

Smiling for her, at this moment, felt like a crucifixion. He would now ask her if she’s ever seen “The Passion.” She would be none the wiser, even if she saw the film.

"Have you seen The Passion?"

"Yeah, I'm not into violence, but I really liked that movie. It was powerful."

He smiled again and looked in her eyes for any unconscious/subconscious acknowledgment of their tragic dilemma. There was an awkward pause...

[Aside: Instead of déjà vu, the “glitch in the Matrix” could have been awkward pauses. I think in my Matrix, people are like circuits. So instead of being pieces of code, we all make up the circuitry of SUPER DEVICE LIFE. And when we interact with emotion or passion, it creates a charge. That electricity, whether positive or negative, supplies the power to SUPER DEVICE LIFE. One could say "don't live life like an apathetic impassive dead battery," but sometimes it's totally appropriate to preserve your charge. We are, after all, finite resources. So awkward pauses would be the glitches in the SUPER DEVICE where two circuits are both evaluating their level of juice. Recalibrating their emotional investment. On or off. I suspect if we transcribed the silence found in awkward pauses, we could fill volumes.]

"Yeah, me too."

Joe thought about the prospect of not seeing her again, and it made him feel sad and alive.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Former News Anchor/Rapist Now Looking For Work

Everyone's Talking About White Castle

The White Castle Valentine story continues to turn the odometer, as TAN gets shouted out in the City section of Sunday's NY Times. I just love that I'm a good trend indicator for White Castle:
It was the second year that she and her team at “Castle No. 2,” as the place is officially known, had participated in the company’s nationwide Valentine’s Day promotion, and the year before had been a success.

For this year, a mix of fawning and snarky local news media coverage — including a win-a-date contest with the blogger The Assimilated Negro — seemed to augur well.
Holla. I guess when the contest was announced, there was a boardroom full of execs somewhere:

Gentlemen I've just gotten very good news, ... TAN's in this year! This is going to be a live story for Gawker. Can you feel the snarky media coverage? *hi fives* This augurs well people. This augurs well.

So, that's cool ... waddup J. David Goodman. Also please note the pictures and how they correspond to my Ghetto Pass descriptions. Flourescents - CHECK, shiny red table cloths - CHECK, "reserved" signs courtesy of Commodore 64 - CHECK. We didn't have balloons at ours.

I hope I start collecting royalties off the slyder sales.

Slyders By Candlelight [NYTimes]
TAN's White Castle Valentine [Gawker]

Sunday, February 18, 2007

White Castle Valentine: He Said She Said

Forgot to post this over here. We wanted to do some sort of video wrap-up of the White Castle Valentine, and Richard came up with the idea of doing it Love Connection style. So we did individual interviews and he cut them together. Results below:

Valentine's Video Wrap-up [Gawker]
White Castle Valentine [Gawker]

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Beatbox + Flute = Hip Hop Fire

I saw this guy on the train here in NYC a couple months ago, he did a ridiculously hot set with his friend on the cello or violin or some string ish. I almost had to grab the mic right there on the platform. Anyflute, I just found him on youtube: Greg Pattillo, here doing Inspector Gadget, then remix/blending into "Axel F" (the theme song from the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack).

While receiving Greg's blessing I also found another guy, Tim Barsky, who also rocks the Flute-Beatbox:

Who says hip hop is dead? Respect the evolution ...

Greg Pattillo [myspace]
Tim Barsky [timbarsky]

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Ghetto Pass: White Castle Valentine

Ghetto Pass returns to document TAN's White Castle Valentine:
First off, can I just say, FUCK GAWKER. These motherfuckers pimp a negro with a win-a-date contest, then get all George Bush-during-Katrina and totally neglect my ass. Can you believe they WOULDN'T SEND A PHOTOGRAPHER? Plus, let's be racist honest here, all that really mattered was getting visual proof of my date's "DAMN! You got a BLACK ass!" claim. [Ed. Note: In the next 24 hours, there'll be video. Hold yer horses!] Despite Mama Gawker leaving her negro child out in the cold, as it turns out, a little privacy may have been for the best. No photographer meant this would be more like a real date. And who can act photo-pretentious when they're sucking down slyders at White Castle? So this week's Ghetto Pass profiles a real uptown story of possible love (?) and definite slyders at White Castle. Let's dig in...
Ghetto Pass: Valentine's Day at White Castle [Gawker]
White Castle Valentine Contest [Gawker]

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

More White Castle Date Entries

Well Gawk announced the winner yesterday, one Rachel Crawford, in the White Castle & TAN Valentine Special. Sucks for her!

There were some fun entries that didn't make the cut. They posted a couple of the runner-ups, but these were probably more entertaining, than closer to winning. As a reminder, the Black History themed mission was to write a paragraph about "what you have done for the good of black people."

Here was one from a 29-year old property manager:
about what you've done for the good of black people:
I wrote a book on Martin Luther King in second grade. I typically lecture on the legacy of slavery when I hear ignorant comments. I have always been sensitive and particularly empathetic and I feel I identify with the plight of amer. blacks. I avidly support all Spike Lee movies and other black literature, film, and television-- Girlfriends and 227 are and were my favorite shows. I took African American Philosophy, and African Art in college. I support black people and love the culture. For many many years I wished I was black.
Then we had a 19-year old college student say :
Though my name may conjure up images of long blond hair, aqualine noses, and other visual beacons of caucasia, I've done tons for Black people! Just last night I led a group of my friends in beating the shit out of some Norbit ticketholders. I don't wear skinny jeans, though I have rocked a hotpant or two (as the great James Brown said, "that's where it's at"). I wear my hair in its natural state. I don't know any songs by Pretty Ricky. I'm majoring in film and working toward becoming a casting director/ jazz singer/ documentary filmmaker. Mind you, in the grand scheme of things, this is Pretty Admirable Shit. Both of my parents are Black (there has been suspicion regarding my father, but I assure you, it is just suspicion), so there's that. I have a truly fantastic Black family that I love dearly. I volunteered with young Black public school kids of Detroit for 6 years... Okay, so I didn't really see a whole grip of Negroes until I got to college (the godforsaken Howard University) and I'm pretty young, so there's still a few things I may not be up on (no worries; I'm not one of those tragic mulatto/ tragic suburban negro types). But that's exactly why you should pick me! TAN and I would have some nice contrast. That and I've never been on a date with an intelligent person who wasn't a religious fanatic.

And, being a college student, I would smack a ho for some free White Castle.
Then a 30-year old in non profit sent this:
I like to think of myself as a Negrotiator. I was raised bi-racial in very, very white Minnesota. In my home, I translated the cultural experiences of my family members so that we might All Get Along. When my white dad didn't understand that the female members of the family permed our hair so that it would be straight, I was there to tell him that it was his side of the family that used perms to achieve curly tresses. When Mom divorced him and asked for reparations, I told him that she meant alimony. In my adulthood, I have continued to provide this service to well meaning, yet misunderstanding people of both cultures. My current interest is serving the black community as a consultant. I consult my black friends on appropriate names for their children. After seeing my girlfriends push out babies with names like LaTrina and Asbestos, I decided that there was a need for my services. Now, when my friends get pregnant, I ask them what they plan on naming their sweet, little bundles of joy. I recommend names that only have one capital letter and that have no punctuation. Recently, my friend suggested the name D'Jon (pronounced like Dijon), I called my father and asked him if D'Jon followed any of the white naming conventions that he was familiar with. Armed with my father's advice, I called my girlfriend back and she settled on Jon. Of course, when the baby was finally born, she named him JonVante. Still, I feel like I helped. I have yet to be recognized with a Nobel prize for my fine work, but a date with TAN would be almost as good. Also, I haven't had a White Castle in years.
And then I was very tempted to go with one of my Ghetto Pass hecklers, The Real JR:
One positive thing that comes to mind as to how I have benefited black people is by counting myself as one of their number. Granted, I am one of those halfie-blacks with an infusion of Filipina in me, but just the same, I'm one of those clean, articulate ones. There are just so few of us that we have to cling light-brown knuckled to whomever we can find. For instance: O.J. Besides, as the Dred Scott case taught us all: one drop will do ya. Anyway, although stating so may be a detriment to my actually being chosen to getting with five feet of TAN, I would like to think that my constant annoyance and need to consistently rebut those "Ghetto Pass" articles is also contributing to the positive upliftment of the colored peoples by way of Africa. As per my many lessons of the Nguzo Saba during years of Kwanzaa celebrations, when I see bullshit, I call bullshit - albeit in a highly articulate fashion. One thing I have done that evidently goes against all the tenets of black-people-dom is that years ago I said that O.J. did it. I know he did it. Even black people know that he did it but their inherent blackness ain't gonna call him out on it. (Damn, that wasn't articulated in the proper form, was it?) But just the same. So here is my entry. I would include a picture or perhaps even a MySpace link, but I don't want to seem over-enthusiastic in my wanting to be chosen for such a potentially romantic event (can I supersize the Orange Hi-C?).
That she mentions being articulate in the graf twice, and then later says "that wasn't articulated proper ..." is a strike against her, but I wouldn't mind some one-on-one time with my most earnest critic. Maybe I could learn a thing or two. Quest for conflict baby.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Watch This Video and Fall In Love With White People All Over Again

Sometimes I'm down, but then you see something like this and realize how fortunate you are to live in the good ol' United States of Caucasia:

via Joey and Supernegro

Friday, February 09, 2007

White Castle Craigslist - m4wc

If you're in NYC, and you ever wanted to go out with me, either to be friends, or to kill me and stop my blog before it does any more harm. Here's your chance. I guess you could also be totally disinterested in me and want some free White Castle. Either way, Gawker's having a contest, and I'm sure they don't care about your intents:

Win a Valentine's Day White Castle Date with The Assimilated Negro

White Castle Valentine [White Castle]

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Let Them Eat White Castle

From the wiki: In Western culture, Yin and Yang are often erroneously portrayed as corresponding to "evil" and "good" respectively. The truth is that neither Yin nor Yang is preferable or morally superior.


Hopefully it won't be noticed, but it could be glitchy around here for a couple days. Blogger is forcing the move to their new system, and while I'm looking forward to organizing the chaos within these virtual walls, there could be bumps.

In the meanwhile, in between styles, here are some links that will make you a better person:

True Negro Confessions - let me know what you think

Black Like Me? - David Matthews does a great job digging into some of the Obama issues I referenced in the Rudy post.

What Black men Think PSA
(video) - keep forgetting to link this, but there's a site and myspace. Good subject, it's almost a serious version of my True Negro Confessions premise.

White Castle Valentine's Day - we might do something with this on Gawk. But either way, alone or with harem, I am not missing CANDLELIGHT at White Castle. I personally think this should be running non-stop on CNN's breaking news scroll.

And speaking of A Tribe Called Quest, the 33 1/3 book on Tribe's first album drops soon. Here's the wiki on the critically acclaimed "series of books written about important and/or seminal music." They also have a blog. What they don't have are hip hop titles, but Tribe should be a good one.

True Negro Confessions: A Tribe Called Quest

Gawker's been in a little bit of flux lately, so I haven't been able to transition out of Ghetto Pass as smoothly as I would have liked. But today I introduce the new thing: True Negro Confessions.

The graphic/illustration here was done by my homey Brandon Bolt. Today's introductory episode involves me talking to a "Blipster" about his dislike of A Tribe Called Quest:
I started collecting data on these Blipsters, but one in particular gave me a lot more than I bargained for. I visited him at his home, and discovered in his case the problem ran much deeper than being black and enjoying Nirvana. Sitting in his living room, I found out this guy also likes Bloc Party. YIKES! I immediately turned on the tv and flipped to BET to try and stabilize the environment. But THEN it got even worse when he told me another incredible race-defying confession:I Don't Like A Tribe Called Quest ...
So take a read and let me know what you think.

Ghetto Pass: True Negro Confessions 1

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Presidential Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Be afraid minorities and poor people, be very very afraid. The buzz building around Rudy Giuliani running for president has reached critical mass, and you should be extremely concerned.

Rudy has way more than enough star power and political savvy to totally muck up what should be an election year that's primed for a Democratic victory. He's been Knighted, a Time Person of the Year, and always has the 9/11 Ace up his sleeve. He's got a track record and attitude that would totally capitalize on "George Bush With A Brain" positioning. And as we see in the pic, he's also got quotes on "leadership" already planted on Starbucks cups across America. Who knew the proceeds from your latte were going to fund the GOP election campaign?

Rudy's even got a little dirt in his past to give him that Bill Clinton man-of-the-people panache. This is all very troubling.

Part of the optimism with Hillary and Obama was based on timeliness. Their candidacy was aligning right with an enormous void of leadership, such that even those who might otherwise be resistant to change could look past the negro or female thing just to get a competent life form in the position of command. This was supposed to be the case with Kerry, and he proved to be competent, just not a life form. But now everyone knows we were duped and suckered AGAIN, so what they hey, bring on the alternative candidates. Anything but the status quo. But Rudy's presence now casts a huge shadow on the festivities. He has some warts, but with Hillary and Obama splitting all of the "vote for change" crowd, a white man as well decorated as he is is extremely dangerous. He's like The Death Star for the Republican empire.

Thinking about the potential matchups: I think I prefer Obama v. Rudy over Hillary v. Rudy. Before Giuliani stepped in I was choosing Hillary's seniority over Obama, but somehow with Rudy in the mix I think the gender thing is a disadvantage. It's easier to be subtly sexist than subtly racist. Plus 'Liani's just ruthless. If you're mixing it up with him you want to send the women and children home, cause it might get nasty out. Obama might be a little too much of a punk as well, but I'd bet on him breaking out the brass knuckles before Lady Clinton. Although, Lady Clinton does have Republican Kryptonite in the form of her husband. So it's a tough call. Jury's still out I guess. Really Bill Clinton should just be made King of the United States, but I guess that's not an option.

Rudy vs. Hillary would be pretty crazy actually, that would probably be the most entertaining election campaign.

Either way you add it up though, us Ewoks, Chewbaccas, and Princess Leias should be afraid of Rudy. Very, very afraid.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Electric Circus Review- Hip Hop Infinity

Anyone who remembers Hip Hop Infinity will probably chuckle to learn that I was down with HHI briefly. Like two reviews brief. They were shaky on the pay, but you could also review and get your ish reviewed, so I did it more for the ancillary artist benefits. Which took two reviews to find out it wasn't worth it. Here's a couple links to message board hearsay and story-swapping on the legend of HHI.

Anyways for the archives, here's an old review of Common's Electric Circus I did for HHI (2002).

EC Review - HHI

As much as Resurrection signaled Common's (then known as Common Sense) birth as an artist, his latest project Electric Circus distinguishes his artistic evolution from others who are satisfied with operating within the current parameters of hip hop status quo. Artists like Common allow the genre to expand its horizon and become something more than what we thought it could be. A negative, but necessary, consequence of trying to pioneer new territory is the backlash of those who don't agree with the artist's vision. It is an element of artistic responsibility to shoulder the burden of making that vision clear. This is the essence of the artist paradox-- trying to make progressive and personal work that appeals universally.

Where Common typically excels at the former, his success at the latter is qualified. Invoking the memory of The Beatles and their Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band with the album cover, Electric Circus appears to be a project from an artist who is consciously trying to boost that universal appeal, but remains too personal and principled to ultimately achieve that goal.

As with his previous release Like Water for Chocolate, Common relies heavily on the Soulquarians for production on Electric Circus. In fact, it might be said that this association is what distinguishes Common from other "conscious rappers." It is the music that provides the truly progressive foundation for Common to build on. Questlove, Jay-Dilla and James Poyser are the head architects who provide the aesthetic appeal to Electric Circus. The Neptunes also make two quality contributions with the two singles, "Come Close" and "I Got a Right Ta." To their credit, these cuts fit in with the distinctive sound and vibe of the album as opposed to sounding like two singles forced in just to have Neptunes production. "Come Close," for instance, is much different than the typical Neptunes sound.

Common and the 'quarians have enlisted a lot of help to create this eclectic set, collaborating with artists such as the aforementioned Neptunes, Prince, Laetitia Sadler, Sonny from P.O.D and Erykah Badu among many others. All of this helps the Soulquarians create a vibe distinctive from their standard urban-soul-music associated with Like Water for Chocolate, The Roots and Jill Scott. The heavy use of electric guitars creates a sound more in line with Jimi-Hendrix-on-hip-hop, and not only because one of the cuts, "Jimi Was a Rock Star", is a Jimi tribute. Overall, the producers and musicians have a lot to be proud of on Electric Circus, it is the strongest suit of the album.

If there is a criticism of Electric Circus, it is directed at Common for not completely maximizing the potential that the accompanying music provides. Viewed as a whole, Electric represents a tremendous artistic step forward, whereas on an individual song level those familiar with Common will quickly recognize the same themes he has trumpeted since his third release One Day It Will All Make Sense. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, of course, but just as thug rappers get criticized for regurgitation of the same "drugs, money and hoes" rubbish, so must more intellectually oriented artists be held to the same high standard for variety. There are plenty of conscious emcees who preach love of self and attack the music business from their lofty educated pedestal, so lines like "You ain't supposed to rhyme/ better off with a clothing line/ in this business of pimps, many hoes get signed" may no longer carry the same resonance as they did five years ago.

That said, Common remains in the lyrically elite and is now passionate about defending his right to change with lines like "I'm the only cat in hip hop/ that can go into a thrift shop/ bring that get-up to the ghetto and get props." Obviously, his evolution and maturity may render him inaccessible for those who don't share his passion for religion and black pride, "Trying to test the reaction of the people/ see through, trying to out act Don Cheadle/ I speak to original Hebrews, you know how we do." Artistic license can be given to an emcee like Common, however, because his upside and creativity will always outweigh his occasional didactic rant. For example, a song like "I Am Music" is a highlight that follows in the creative footsteps of "I Used to Love H.E.R" and "1, 2 Many," as Common posits himself as music itself, "On every station it's hot, you can't stop my heat/ I taught Jay and Dre how to rock the beat/ on what's going on today I got to speak." Also to his credit, like many of our best artists are doing in response to the issue of how to keep the lyrical presentation fresh when most everything that can be said has been said, Common makes a conscious effort to change his style, cadence and delivery on various songs (with varied results), ranging from a hard rock approach in "Electric Wire Hustler Flower" to slow and deliberate in "Come Close" to more haphazard flows very reminiscent of Sadat X in "I Got A Right Ta" and the conventional lyricism in "Soul Power." All in all, Common brings more to the table than most, but his resume creates high expectations and perhaps conceptuality is the area where he could find room for further growth.

Through his new image and presentation of himself and his music, Common is clearly conscious of trying to break through to a higher level of commercial success. There should be no mistaking that images of Jimi Hendrix and the Beatles are conjured up for a reason. However, he abides by what he preaches in his lyrics and does not compromise the music itself for the purpose of commercial gain. Electric Circus is a musical masterpiece, it is visceral and inimitable and it challenges our current hip hop production standards. Lyrically, however, Common does not entirely match the multi-faceted nature of the music that supports him. One suspects his principles and "consciousness" will end up being the traits that stymie the breakthrough potential of this album. If he used the music as a stage instead of as a pulpit, he would probably garner the commercial validation he desires and deserves. As such, Common remains a bit inaccessible. But despite some faults, Electric Circus is above all a beautiful album and one never knows in the music biz-- it will be interesting to see if Common's image consciousness can coincide with a beautiful work of art and make for successful business.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Now You Know ...

I haven't hit my ni**a know peeps with some link-love in a while. Somehow I stumbled on them yesterday and they provided me with much amusement. They don't post every day, but when they do it's usually fire. Peep some selections from the front page below:

Wiki game - I wrote a little draft up for "Negropedia" around the same time they put up this post. But this is for real, I've been reading some wikis on hip hop groups and we definitely need some race regulating up in there.

iphone game - I can't say much on this, cause if I have the dough when these come out (I won't), I might cop one, but regardless they kill this too.

Wii is for Wiite people - This post on the Wii system is hilarious, and has my vote for funniest imagework:

- This is way old-school now, but besides the somewhat entertaining drama in the comments that will easily fill your quota for racial epithets being flung back and forth (you've been warned), I didn't see much in the hubbub that actually talked about whether Kramer should even be up on stage playing comedian. But Big Eddie Ed had some wisdom on that:
You can't go to no Kramer stand up comedy shit and expect to dumb out to some shit like its Cedric the Entertainer. You are surrounded by white motherfuckers, and you watching Kramer. This motherfucker is good at being jumpy and having tall hair. That's all, nigga. It ain't a comedy show if all you got is white motherfuckers in the audience, because white people ain't got no sense of humor. I mean, when the fuck was the last time you seen a black prop comic? Say word on that.
So there you go. When I slow it down a little, and you get fed up with me trying to get my Will Smith or Cuba Gooding on, these are my real Ice Cube heads shooting perpetrators in the dome while I'm crying over girly-drinks with blood all over my face, wondering if my father's gonna hit me in the head with one of those silver stress balls cause I came home after curfew.

Holla at ya boys.

(and if you like the pic, obviously check their swag. not sure if the breezie is still available though...)

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Prince Tells Bears And Colts They Can Stay In The Locker, He's Got This

Seriously. Prince just destroyed the Super Bowl. He should go to Disney World and retire.

Too bad for the Foo Fighters they can never perform "Best of You" again. Prince decided to take it to the next level on some assimilated negro ish, killin' em at their own game, and that song now belongs to him. Happy Black History Month bitches. Holla.

No need for the teams to come back out. The game is over. It was a very entertaining first half, but Prince is just gonna hold it down for the next couple hours. It's all good.

Let's Go Crazy People!


Saturday, February 03, 2007

Negro Bowl I: Outro

Final install of Negro Bowl went up Friday, History is History:

Well, as we tie the noose around our coverage of Negro Bowl I, we have to say it's been an interesting ride. We've had ups and downs, we've laughed and cried, and through it all we've enjoyed the sound of freedom ringing.

We've also learned some things:
1. African-American are just Americans in Europe.
2. Negro Bowl might be more important than Oprah ("forget about Oprah, man!")
3. Negro Bowl is not nearly as important as hanging Bill Simmons upside down and putting a fork in his ass

Negro Bowl I: History Is History [Deadspin]

Earlier Coverage:
Welcome To Negro Bowl I
The Black Coaches Guide To Success In The NFL
Breaking: Lovie & Grossman Out, Parcells & Romo In
Man On The Street (video)

Friday, February 02, 2007

Rough Draft: Blogging All Over New York

So sometime last summer I wrote this song, which was a send-up of a track that was out a year prior to that, "Pimpin' All Over The World" by Ludacris. "Pimpin'"wasn't a particularly good song, but it was ripe for parody, and sometime after I started meeting some of the NYC bloggers the concept for "Blogging All Over NY" was born. I have a video treatment (complete with a sketch interlude) plotted out for this. I never did write the third verse though. And I never got anyone to sing the chorus. But I was thicslose to shooting it, even sent the e-mail out to organize all the NYC blogger cameos, but my creative ADD kicked in, and there was no $ involved, and the song is kind of old, so it just sort of faded to black. But I'll get it done at some point, just to have in the vault.

It's a little rough, but that's what blogs are good for sometimes ... plus, you know, it's like sharing with friends. As freedarko might tell you, behind closed doors, I'm a little into transparency and the deconstruction of process right now.

It also lets me link some people in a creative fashion, I actually posted these hyperlink-verses (can I say hyper-verses? ... there's some coinage in the audio-literary presentation of this that's gonna be my thing) a while back in the archives, but will re-post on the big board below for convenience.

My favorite line is: "word, my words overheard on the streets/where they bump my nerve sh*t from the curb to the beach" - It flows well, and works the hypelink ish to a tee.

[quick aside: the tether to my sanity is fraying. And I like it.]

Now audio:


MP3 File


all over new york baby
center of the universe
the blogging here is so crazy right now
that’s why, when I see a girl
i walk right over to her
i’m like yo …

waddup girl, I’m a blogger
assimilated negro looking for fodder
and I’m not your average ipodder
kicking some game
you know my sh*t’s smart, funny,
plus a little insane
see TAN is running this town
and if you got some wi-fi
I could show you around
that’s why anywhere online
you’ll be thinking of me
there's so many blogrolls with people linking to me
they really digging my sh*t
guys want to get me drinks
girls show me their tits
I’m fueled by NY
can’t fuck with the sticks
trying to hit these hipster chicks
in the basement of Lit
the assimilated negro dot com
I swear it
now you know the URL
go share it
make sure you tell them how your boy got flows
scripts and videos
Gonna …


we act like stars
dodgeballing at the back of the bar
you know who we are
cause we’re blogging all over new york ...

Verse 2
you hear the song so dance
go on and shake your ass like monkeys up in your pants
cause see me
I’m blogging in 3-d
popping out like titties on an IJC
word, my words overheard on the streets
where they bump my nerve sh*t
from the curb to the beach
but you can reach me downtown
with that smart-ass banter
talking shit, taking shots with the copyranter
this is what we do now
these real New Yorkers
know your blog ain’t sh*t
'til it’s linked on gawker
that’s how I shake it up
get the dough and rake it up
beefin' on the street
son, you better break it up
gonna need some tapin' up
smelling salts for wakin' up
stories that I tell
you can’t make it up
this is live, no satellite
flow so satin-like
for my sharp tongue young manhattanites

(sketch break)

Verse 3

TAN Audio Room [TAN]

Thursday, February 01, 2007

How Important Is Negro Bowl I? (video)

Coverage of Negro Bowl I continues on Deadspin today.

In this installment, the fourth in the series, TAN hits the streets to gain perspective on this historic occasion:

Welcome To Negro Bowl I [Deadspin]
Ongoing Coverage ... [Deadspin]

Ghetto Pass: Exit Plan

Today's Ghetto Pass is about how to leave the ghetto, The Exit Plan:

Like the lushest of Shakespearean tragedies, leaving the ghetto is such sweet sorrow. There may be no finer setting to observe the babes of comedy and tragedy both suckling up to Father Nature's bosom to nurse from the same lactating teat. But while we smile and reminisce on sweet serenades of quarter-waters and looseys, we inevitably remember that no one leaves the ghetto on accident. A citified reflection of our own internal duality, the ghetto is both loved and loathed; tragically flawed so that it is most appreciated after it is eventually left behind. Whether you want to be a head coach in the Super Bowl or just a bummy-looking Blipster, no one, not even the president, enters the ghetto without a proper exit strategy.

Ghetto Pass

From Negro To Assimilated Negro [TAN]

The Seven Deadly C's

Any sort of writer or artist needs vice in their life, you need a certain lack of sobriety to reach into the depths and rip out that which we cannot stand sober. Thus, in the interest of enhancing my art, I'm looking into adding the Seven Deadly C's:


So when the ladies are asking for the down south love, now you can tell them, "I don't do drugs."

Everything in moderation my friends.

Related Posts with Thumbnails