Friday, December 30, 2005

Sex Is Re-Sex

I wrote this piece a couple years ago for an obscure online porn/dating site that was looking for sexually-related content that was a little more "accessible and highbrow." Unfortunately It's no longer online, so now it enters the TAN archives.

They say writing is re-writing. And it occurred to me, while writing a piece for my favorite date-site, the same principle applies to sex. Sex is re-sex.

There are a lot of parallels between writing and sex. Both provide a means of expression. Both can take you on a roller-coaster of emotions. Both can leave you with a “baby” no one is interested in paying for.

And then there’s the process …

Guys, think about that first draft you plow through.

You grab your notepad or laptop, and get to work on the desk or on your bed. If you’re real excited, you might prop it up against the wall (be gentle if you’ve got one of those new blonde and blue jobs with the twin silicone processors). You get it open, you turn it on, and then you just let nature take over. Nouns and verbs fly this way and that way, hither and thither, to and fro. Panties become metaphors for similes that are like your last strand of rope, the twine snapping, plunging you into an abyss of passion and carnal satisfaction. Ecstasy. Euphoria. Excellence. You’re wheeling and dealing. Elation. Elevation. Exhilaration. You wheel and deal some more, as fast as you can, until finally you get that one … big … idea.

And when it comes, boy does it feel good.

Then the endorphins settle down, and you sit back and soak in the epiphany of consummation. You breathe in deep of your man-musk, the air so thick and dank storm clouds form near the ceiling. You just did something here. Papa would nod in approval.

That said, you don’t usually have your best work after the first draft, and there are too many would-be conquistadors wearing blissfully ignorant smiles on their way to dream little dreams that embellish the magnitude of their “triumph”.

In other words, they go to sleep thinking they the shit.

These one-draft dandies are passing off their stream of conscious groping as polished, purposeful stroking.

They’re dreaming they just “layed the pipe” [sic] on two screenplays, a novel, and three socio-political essays; this after being up all night the day before with two short stories and a spec sitcom pilot.

But meanwhile, we cut away from the Delusions of Grandeur Ranch, and move in close-up on The Muse. She is resentful. And more importantly, she is willing to tell others that you write with a small, impotent voice.

That’s why it’s important, when writing or having sex, to get the job done right. And to do that, you MUST get your wind and forge on to the second draft.

The second draft is when you begin to take control. You’ve had the chance to calm down some, you’re still excited, you still have the juices flowing, but you can also start thinking about the big picture.

You know you have a project, and you know you’re about to take the time and effort to apply your talents (whatever they may be) to the task at hand. You know the goal, and you have the vision fleshed out before you. Now it’s time to execute. Now it’s time for attention to detail. Now it’s time to feel for those nooks and crannies. You know when you’re doing it well, and try different things when you’re not.

There’s typically a lot of fiddling around in the first draft. Hammering the lines out as fast as you can. You’re not sure if this is just a fleeting fancy, or something you’ll sink your teeth into. But the second draft is when you bore down. The second draft is the first step to mastering your metier.

After completing your second draft you should have a completed work, something that can stand on its own (once it smokes a cigarette and relaxes). Papa doesn’t just nod, now papa can be proud. His boy just handled his business.

Now the majority will only do a couple drafts - tops. Which is cool. After the second draft you can usually leave it as is and suffer no damage to your reputation. But the people who are professionals, the people who care about their craft, they will definitely go to the 3rd draft. Little do first and second drafters know, the third draft is when you begin the quest for perfection.

You know the canvas well now, and you know that you have something good, but yet, there is still more to do to ensure your masterpiece rivals a Moby Dick in magnitude. Fine tuning is necessary to make it something memorable, something that has depth, something that means something; something that compels one to spread the word like Moses on the mountaintop. The Ten Commandments definitely went to a third draft.

But you also need balance. You can no longer just go at it, the third time around demands delicacy. After the second draft you should have the job completed. If you did a good, thorough second draft. So on the third draft, you risk overkill, you risk taking a step backwards, you risk someone getting burned out. And that someone could be you. Don’t try to go to another level that’s not there.

That’s probably why a lot of people just peter out and never finish the third draft.

That’s kind of like me.

This is a two-drafter right here … it will have to do.

I’m getting tireeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

On The Late Show Tonight: Dangers Of The SAP Button

So this is quite a bizarre story.

A woman, Colleen Nestler, was granted a restraining order that requested Late Show host David Letterman stay at least 3 yards away, "and not think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and hammering."

In a six-page typed letter Colleen asserts that Dave has driven her to bankruptcy, and has also caused her mental cruelty and sleep deprivation. She believes Dave has been sending her coded messages that insinuate cohosting duties and *gasp* marriage.
"She said he asked her to be his wife during a televised "teaser" for his show by saying, "Marry me, Oprah." Her letter said Oprah was the first of many code names for her and that the coded vocabulary increased and changed with time.
So many ways to go with this story, I'm somewhat at a loss. We have the obviously crazy woman. Though Dave's quirky schtick coupled with a little help from the SAP button makes subliminal messaging slightly less of a stretch. We also have a crazy judge who actually granted the restraining order (it has since been lifted). We have the not very restrained distance of three yards (does it count if the tv is only two yards away?). And of course the question on everyone's mind. What about Paul Schaffer?

All this mental harassment and hammering is going to drive me to bankruptcy. I better file a restraining order against Angelina Jolie quick.

Dave Letterman Restraining Order Lifted [580cfra]
Letterman subject of restraining order []
Letterman Gunned Down By Leno [TAN]
Jolie Kidnaps Mom, Demands Sex [TAN]

If I Tell You, I'm Supposed To Kill You, But I Probably Won't

"With just a few days left in the year, the city's murder rate is on pace to be the lowest since the early 1960s when the NYPD first began reliably recording homicide data."

more ...[NY1]

In 1963, when they started keeping track, the number was 548. Right now we're around 528. I don't know if that's counting the mofo who stepped on my red suede New Balance yesterday without saying sorry. He probably regrets that move, now that in addition to no longer being alive, he might not even be a statistic.

But seriously folks. 528 homicides in a city of eight million people? One that had a three-day transit strike? That's impressive. There's probably at least a million people a day doing things that warrant them being brutally murdered. Or at least first-degree manslaughtered .

With all this wiggle room, I'd advise an enhanced level of courtesy when dealing with your fellow NYers. Some of us might start taking advantage of this homicide credit.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

It's A Thin Line ...

Deadspin has posted/reported James Dungy's MySpace profile.

This is interesting for two reasons.
1.) The profile itself.
2.) The "journalist ethics" dilemma of whether it should be posted/reported at all.

James Dungy's MySpace profile
[Fry Cook On Venus]
Deadspin coverage

TAN's Politically Incorrect Market Research Questionnaire

What gender are you?

A. Bleeding vagina
B. *Scratches balls* (yeah I know, must be a guy writing this, well how about: B. smelly small-dicked bastard.)

What is your ethnicity?

A. Cracker ass cracker ni**as
B. Yellow ass ni**as
C. Spanish ass ni**as
D. Real ni$$a ni**as
E. Kinda-sorta ni**as who think nowadays it’s worse to be a kinda-sorta ni**a than a real ni$$a ni**a

What sexuality are you?

A. Brokeback Mountain
B. *running away after reading the words “Brokeback Mountain”*

A. guys are cute
B. L Word
C. I use L Word girls as strap-ons

A. Confused
B. Very confused

How old are you ?

A. Age appropriate for Michael
B. Age appropriate for Robert
C. Age appropriate for TAN
D. Age appropriate for Wilford Brimley (I wanted this to be an old black guy, but there aren't any known old black guys. That's messed fcuked up)

How old are you? (Take two)

A. Sex. Tee hee
B. OMG I can’t believe I’m having sex!!
C. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D. Oh yes, sex is often quite pleasant.
E. Ahhh sex. Those were the days.

How old are you? (Take two and a half)

A. mmm American Apparel
B. mmm Girls Gone Wild
C. mmm Sex and The City
D. mmm Desperate Housewives
E. mmm Golden Girls (we need a new standard for hot old ladies)

How old are you? (Take three)

A. "Whoah! WTF?!!?" *looks around* "I probably shouldn't be reading this."
B. "Holy fucking shit! This is fucking awesome!!"
C. "It’s kind of funny. Kind of smart. But does he need to fucking curse and be so crass?"
D. "This is a little much"
E. "Dear, can you help me fix the telly. Something black and white came on. I can’t read a thing."

What is your annual income?

A. "Hi. Sorry, what’s your name again? Yeah, um, you see any B’s, C’s, or D’s around?"
B. Hi. what’s up? Yeah, work sucks. But gotta make a dollar right?
C. Hi. Merry Xmas my friend. It's been a while. You know, we should be hanging out some more. I'll E you.
D. Yooooooooooo!!!!! waddup my niggy!! You know you my niggy right? Haha!! Yo did you see that press release about us being friends?

How much time online do you spend in a day?

A. Stupid
B. Ignorant
C. Aware/On top of things
D. Geek
E. Martyr

What is your level of education?

A. They said they’ll give me a raise of $2/hr. Holla!
B. They said they might actually put me on salary. Holla!
C. They said they might give me a 5% raise. Holla!
D. I told them raise me 15%, plus percs, or I walk. You know what they said? Holla!

What is your level of education? (Take two)

A. Listen you stupid motherfcuker, I said NO PICKLES!
B. Listen, can you please just enter these five million entries into our database. There's a McDonald's around the corner when you want to take lunch.
C. Oh yeah, I worked at McDonald’s once, as a teen, that was one crazy summer. My parents were pissed. I haven't been to a McDonald's in eons.
D. I think we should purchase some McDonald's stock. Their new campaigns targeting urban kids seem real effective.

What is your current level of sexual activity?

A. If one person has AIDS, we all have AIDS.
B. Well, at least I know I don't have AIDS.

What of the following have you done while reading TAN?

Made a phone call
Drink alcohol
Iron clothes
Kicked a dog or cat
Pushed an old person down steps
Said something nasty about George Bush
Smoke something
Snort something
Inject something
Pee on significant other
______________________ [please fill in unlisted activities here]

Thank you for filling out this survey. All answers will be kept somewhat confidential. Feel free to add on anything we missed in the comment box. If you'd like to be more than a blog commenter, please click here.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Happy Merry's

Merry Xmas everyone.



(I think this is the first time I've ever XXOO'd anyone)

if you don't appreciate the sentiment, I refer you to my friend CopyRanter.

There's also an update to TAN's NeverEnding Interview. Keywords: funny, i'd've, and rapper vs. emcee.

Friday, December 23, 2005

From Blog-Commenter To Blog-Friend

I wrote an earlier post about the troubles that can arise when someone looks to cross the "friendship threshold" too quickly. And as I've been doing a fair amount of meeting people who I only know through this blog, I thought it might be helpful to make a little questionnaire that helps transition people from "commenter" to "friend". Some questions are multiple choice, some are open-ended.

How did you happen upon the The Assimilated Negro blog?

A. I tripped over a tiger and landed on the ground in front of a laptop. When I opened the browser TAN was the home page.
B. I heard some hot female [cheerleaders, librarians, writers, teachers, physicists, dancers, rappers, busdrivers ...] talking about it. They said it was great.
C. My teacher assigned it for homework. They said reading your October archives is enough to get a degree from most liberal arts colleges.
D. Whoah! Assimilated who ?!!? Negro what??!!? I am definitely in the wrong place.

What is it that appealed to you about the TAN blog?

A. The refreshing voice
B. The range of content
I like watching negroes try to rationalize the institutionalized slavery we have going on.
The socks and strap-on sandals look.

Before commenting on TAN’s blog, when’s the last time you “talked” with a black person?

A. the past 24 hours
B. the past 7 days
C. the past 6 months
D. Only negro I talk to is my trusty i-Nig

If TAN were to be underwhelming in person, how would you react?

Kill myself
Kill TAN
Stab myself in the neck

If TAN were to be all you dreamed he would be, how would you react?

A. Kill myself
B. Kill TAN
C. Stab myself in the neck
D. Do a penis hand-stand

Do you just want TAN to comment on your blog?

Do you just want TAN to make a song about your site?

Do you have other friends?

A. Yes
B. No
C. Craigslist?

What do your other friends complain about the most with regards to your personality?

A. Obnoxious aggressive
B. Passive pansy
C. No personality
D. No friends

Do you pass gas more in front of strangers or friends?

What would people be more likely to say after you pass gas:

A. “that's fairly discreet and innocuous”
B. “that's fairly ostentatious and smelly”
C. "That fairly - DAAAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNN!! I've got to go."

How often do you make awkward comments that somehow intimate that there may be something more than a regular male-male friendship here?

A. Too much
B. Never

How often do you make desirable comments that somehow intimate that there may be something more than a regular male-female friendship here?

Never too much

What percentage of time do you spend talking about sports, women, and other appropriately testosteroned subjects versus serious heart-to-heart conversations?

What percentage of time do you spend talking about sex?

After incidental physical contact (i.e. hands touching, or elbow grazing your chest), what is most likely to happen:

A. you seque into your favorite scene from Queer As Folk
B. you order two tickets for Brokeback Mountain
C. nothing really, but you might not look me in the eye for an hour
D. you leave the country

After incidental physical contact (i.e. hands touching, or elbow grazing your boobs), what is most likely to happen:

A. you segue into your best Sylvia Saint routine
B. you confess your undying love for me (and my blog)
C. nothing really, but you might stare at me coldly for an hour
D. you leave the country

Your Annual Income:

A. $20K or below
B. $21 – $50K
C. $51 – $99
D. $100K or more – (Automatic Friendship, E me immediately!!)

how comfy is the couch or second bed in your house or apartment?

How important are gifts on the holidays?

How many voice mail messages are usually needed until you call someone back?

A. 1
B. 2-3
C. 4-6
D. Don't call me, I'll call you

If you say you’re running "a little" late, how late are you really?

A. 5 min
B. 20 min
C. over 30 minutes
D. not showing up

This is it for now. If you have some other good ideas for questions, leave them in the comments.

Thanks. And good luck in your transition from Commenter to Friend.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Five Types Of People You Meet In Heaven (Stalkers)

Formal Overdramatic Stalker
Identifying Characteristics: Sends e-vite announcements declaring the start of a stalking. Will also send cards after stalking is completed. Always stalks in a three-act format, with a beginning, middle, and end. Will announce when changing stalker mediums (from e-mail, to across-the-street-window, to vehicle etc.) They also like to narrate while stalking and/or use accompanying background music to raise the tension level.

How to ditch the FOS: Since their targets are so well informed, they often feel like they’re not being stalked at all. In addition when walking around and you start to hear voice over or background music, that’s always a big clue, so there's little of the psychological torture we love from stalkers. Generally these guys like to be ditched through formal means, such as a restraining order, or a stern message indicating you are prepared to contact the authorities.

Slacker Stalker
Identifying Characteristics: Instead of actively tracking you around town and doing research, these guys will actually ask for your personal information and itinerary. "Are you planning to do lunch at Coffee Shop at 1:30? Good, I'll stalk you there." They’re often late for stalk-outs, showing up after the mark has left the premises. Sometimes they even forget who they’re stalking.

How to ditch the SS: The Slacker Stalker will typically offer little resistance if you ask them to stop stalking you. Either that or just wait them out, eventually his initiative will expire and he’ll give up on his own, or find a new “easier” target (i.e. a mailbox or lamppost)

Broke Stalker
Identifying Characteristics:
The Broke Stalker is obviously poor. They can’t afford unlimited metrocards or cabs to follow their targets around. They can’t afford high speed cable, so e-mail stalk is sporadic, and there are no photoshopped pictures of you holding their penis or whathaveyou. Believe it or not, some broke stalkers don’t even have a computer. They're also always tired from walking everywhere and tend to rely on public places like parks and street corners.

How to ditch the BS: They are conspicuous because of their ratty clothes. Most stalkers like to look presentable, so as to be taken seriously. The stalking effect is completely lost if the mark doesn’t take it seriously. Lose this stalker by going anywhere that frowns upon ratty-chic and/or requires money. A classy restaurant, movie, and certain museums should do the trick.

Passive-Aggressive Stalker
Identifying Characteristics: The PAS stalks you but you don't know they’re stalking you. Most frequently, they stalk themselves, get upset, and then take their anger out on you, thereby making you feel sort of stalked. These guys usually express that anger via shoulder bumping on the street or in the supermarket. You think they're just rude people, but they're actually stalkers.

How to ditch the PAS: The Passive-Aggressive Stalker simply needs to be confronted. They can never dictate the terms of the stalking to you, so once you put it out there they will most likely flee. Another option is violence when you get shoulder-bumped. PAS's hate violence.

Attractive Stalker
Identifying Characteristics: Incredibly attractive. So much so you can't believe your fortune in "running into them" all over town.

How to ditch the AS: No one actually wants to ditch their Attractive Stalker. They are a rare breed and always welcome. Our classified ads should actually read, "Wanted: attractive stalker. Smart, beautiful, sassy, and totally obsessed with me."

Double Entendre Stalker
Identifying Characteristics:
Carries around a stalk … of something.

How to ditch the DES: The DES can’t help but shoot himself in the foot eventually.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Prelude To A Drunkcast (audio)

So when gridskipper first started taking nominations for the URBs (vote for TAN!!), Lexie and Meme over at Girlspoke happened to be having one of their regular DrunkCasts™.

But it just so happened in this one, they started talking about me, and how I was nominated for every award possible.

So you know when a negro's called out, he needs to respond. Which I did ... in the comments.

But then you tack on Lexie/Snod/Monica Lewinsky convincing me to be an occasional guest star over at [decentcontent]

And then their Blogmukkah party, where apparently the "almost orgies" were almost jumping off ... along with the Moist Armpit DJing.

and so quickly I realized The DrunkCast™ girls and I would have to get it on inebriated style soon. Which we will.

But in the meantime, in between time ...

this is a prelude ... to The DrunkCast™ with a beat.


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Get Orgasmic Or Die Tryin'

"50 Cent is planning to create a vibrator of his manhood - so his female fans can pretend to have sex with him."
more ...

Is this true Curtis? What do you have to say about it?
"Blue is my favourite colour so it will probably be blue. But I don't know how big. I don't know if big is better because I'm not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo."
Indeed. Quite an astute observation here from Mr. Cent. Though I don't know if a big fake penis is the problem, so much as 50 Cent's big fake penis is the problem. I think if I catch someone I'm involved with in possession of a mould of Curtis Jackson's member, no matter what color it is, that's going to be a deal-breaker. An anonymous mould, however, might not necessarily end labor negotiations.

Mock-Rappers Are Getting Pretty Good

I was sent this video-- "Chronic Of Narnia Rap"

fairly amusing. fairly good also. I've got to get my game up as the fake-rappers are getting realer by the day.

thanks to Ali. Z for the link.

The One Thought That Strikes Me

So for those not living in NYC (curse my transnational popularity for not allowing me to speak strictly to my NYC constituents), you may be slightly interested to know that the Transit Workers Union (TWU) has gone on strike, rendering the city a chaotic mess.

My sense is that public opinion falls on the side of the MTA, basically calling the TWU assholes for short-circuiting the city a week before Christmas for their own selfish reasons.
Since 1999, transit worker salaries have more than kept pace with inflation, rising to an average of $63,000 for train operators and $54,000 for conductors. The MTA proposal would have boosted those numbers to $68,000 and $59,000 while opening the door to substantially more. Toussaint responded by demanding raises totaling more than 25% and refusing what he called givebacks.

more ...

It's definitely bad timing. And maybe the TWU is in the wrong. But this reminds me of how it's so easy for us to get accustomed to the status quo. When it's 60 degrees and the temp dips to 35, we run for our winter coats and shiver. When it's been 10 degrees and it shoots up to 35 degrees we feel like throwing on shorts and tees.

So maybe this is similar. We set the bar so low for those who are truly the engine of any metropolis that we are indignant when they ask for a small percentage of their actual value.

Everyone says the transit workers cost the city millions by pulling a stunt like this. So if they're so invaluable, doesn't that mean they should be paid millions? Or at least $60-70K.

Teachers should be taking note. Their salaries are probably in gross need of a correction also. No one gives money away for free anymore. You have to demand it and leverage your position.

Until civil [servants], teachers etc. start making ARod paper, my freelance ass says power to the people.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Watch Some Videos ...

A couple amusing videos here:

There are plenty of videos for caucasians trying to dance like negroes. But you don't see much for negroes trying to get their cracker on. Well fret no more friends. This video is for everyone.

Let me know which dance you like the best, I'm particularly partial to the "Fat Rebel" and "The Honkey Hump" ...

How to dance like a white guy

(link found via Taj)

This next one here is dedicated to my man Copyranter. It's a big ad. I need some ish like this for TAN.

It's A Big Ad ...

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Art Of Being Unimpressed (Chapter 1)

As we all know, these days, especially if you live someplace like NYC, it is of paramount importance to appear unimpressed at all times. It's like a new discipline for Social Samurais. You must never concede the enemy's ability to influence you in any way.

I don’t care if the guy pisses hundred dollar bills and the girl shits ham sandwiches (strictly Boars Head baby).

I don’t care if your head splits open and baby greek gods come flying out and start running the world.

I don’t care if you happen to see Spike Lee in Chelsea with some white guy's penis in his butt.

You cannot appear impressed (or mortified). If you want to make it anywhere in this town, you must exercise control.

How do you do this? What are the skills that require extra training?

Well here are some snippets from the TAN dojo that may help you on your way to becoming the Supreme Social Samurai. Remember, there can only be one.
"The most important battle to be won is waged on your face. Training your facial muscles to control every tick and contortion is a critical first step. Your expression is your dominion, and you must rule it with an iron fist, particularly around the mouth and eyes area. Otherwise, these uber-nerds will thin-slice you from head to toe quicker than you can say, "Steve Jobs has unveiled the new ipod nano vibrating sex toy. Perfect for helping your partner climax faster. Or just listening to tunes while administering oral. An ideal sidekick for those looong sessions." (Please say the previous part extremely quickly for full effect.) Nothing shows you’re impressed like wide eyes and an open mouth. So remove those from your response/reaction repertoire immediately."

"There should be a strict regiment of squinting your eyes, biting your teeth, and pursing your lips while raising your eyebrows at the same time. These exercises build your core facial-muscle group needed for demonstrating maximum impassivity. After your kegels, these should be the first muscles exercised every day."

"Don't forget your eyes. Your eyes must be nimble. You can not lock on the object of your affections (or lackthereof). Your eyes should be flitting around the room, desperately seeking some morsel worthy of your interest. Alas, there is nothing. Bear in mind, even if there is in fact something, say for example you walked down the street and saw a three-some going on between Jessica Alba, Beyonce, and Lucy Liu (I keep the fantasies multicultural so the kids learn something) right in a midtown intersection, you will have to use your peripheral vision to monitor the action while you showcase your indifference by pointing out the interesting NYC architecture. Experienced unimpressionados eventually master the "vacant stare" which allows you to look directly at the action while still appearing exceedingly blasé about it all.

If you are interested in further consultation, please contact theassimilatednegro [at] gmizzy [dot] com. Please include your name, a photo of you looking unimpressed, and a note on why you need to convey more indifference in your life.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Post Where The Not Drunk Girl Pees On Carlos Mencia


"I wasn't really all that drunk. Aside from the peeing on the floor."


The real impetus for this post, however, was me happening across this rant by Joe Rogan (of Fear Factor fame) about Carlos Mencia. Or should I say Ned Holness.

Now I'm not one to knock someone for concealing their identity. I certainly have my own secrets to reveal once I'm rich-and-famous. (wait is that link linkable? D'oh!!) But if what Joe says is true, it's a pretty sorry story. I never liked the show, and for the whole schtick to be hijacked, including him being a Mexican, well, my complaint is, at least hijack good material, you know?

I've never met anyone who was a big Mind Of Mencia fan, but if you're reading this, prepare to be flummoxed.

and thanks to Veronica Vinegar where I originally found the link. She has a spicy calendar that might keep you warm in the cold months.

More From The Miss Cleo Manual For Aspiring Psychics

So enough people wanted more Miss Cleo (of course, I foresaw that would happen). So here's some more. From the sections titled, "Some Ideas For Adding Time To Your Calls," and "Suicide Calls" appropriately enough the last section in the manual.

If you're joining us mid-stream. Here's the first post/section from the Miss Cleo manual.

My favorite section from below is F - "If so, I see that a man with a receding hairline will be acknowledging your accomplishments."

That's excellent. I wish I got to say that to someone and hear them exclaim in delighted satisfaction.

Ok. I know all you psychics-in-waiting are eager to get your learning on. Make sure you use this power judiciously. Here you go:

Some Ideas For Adding Time To Your Calls

A: If you feel the call is coming to an end, this may help to attract the caller’s attention and help you in maintaining the call longer.

“Pretty soon I see that a person is going to approach you for a favor. Depending on the situation, this is going to be someone who is close to you, a family member or close friend. They will seem anxious for you to be involved and help them, this will cause you to be a little skeptical, and reluctant to assist them. There may be some deception involved in granting this favor, you may feel that you are being used, or that the person has ulterior motives. Don’t let these feelings sway you from getting involved or helping this person.”

By getting involved and hearing the entire story or situation, you will get a better understanding as to where you fit into this problem. After you have heard all the information, you will realize helping this person is going to have a positive outcome for you. Not only helping this person, but also, making you feel better about yourself. You will walk away from this feeling like a new person. You will not only have helped this person, but they will not forget how much you’ve helped them.

B: One of your closest friends will be coming into some form of fortune, not necessarily a monetary fortune, but something that they have been waiting for, will be coming their way. You and this person are very close, and they are going to share their new fortune with you. You have helped this person through many tough times, and they have not forgotten you, or what you have done for them in the past. By this person remembering you, and repaying you in some form, will reinforce that you have been following the right path in life. Helping others and not getting recognition for your assistance in the past has made you reluctant to be there for others when they needed you. This act of sharing will renew your faith that not everyone has tried to take advantage of you for your help.

C: Is there someone close to you involved in a criminal suit, or civil suit. If so they will have to be very patient and very strong. They will triumph in the end, but the road there is littered with bumps. They may feel as though this is a never-ending situation, and feel very depressed that this is dragging out so long, and that there have been so many problems that have arisen. Reinforce that there is a positive outcome; they just have to be patient.

D: Have you recently been involved in a disagreement or argument with someone close to you. If so, I see that there is some things you have encountered that have made you think of this person often. You may have some feelings of guilt even though the incident might not have been your fault. You need to take the first step in making a truce here. Though you have to approach this person, and may be the one to take the blame for the argument, you will be able to let the guilt fall away. When you and this person make-up, and are back to where you were before, the friendship or relationship will be much stronger.

E: Do you know someone names Michael? I see that this person has lost something recently. I see that they have searched all over for this. You will find whatever it is that was lost near flowers. If the caller says, “there isn’t any flowers near them, or close to them”, remember you are never wrong. Tell them that they will be near flowers soon, whether is it an outside party, or in a yard. Say, I see this person being so relieved that they may feel indebted to you for having found it.

F: Have you taken on some new responsibilities at work lately? If so, I see that a man with a receding hairline will be acknowledging your accomplishments. You have struggled with these new responsibilities, and he will be the one to recognize this and see that you have worked hard, and he will also be the one to either push for you to be given a raise, or perhaps even a promotion. This new endeavor will pave the way for your future with this job. You may have felt that you were appreciated or acknowledged for your work, but again, this person will make sure that you are.

G: Are you taking a training course or in some kind of class at this time? If so I see that the education you are receiving will be quite important in the work you do. You will need to follow through with this class, and make sure you pay attention to any opportunities that may becoming your way, especially relating to this new skill you have just learned. You will be able to use this to your advantage. A new job will come from this. You will be utilizing your new skill, and using this to be more productive. I see you excelling in this new job.

H: Have you been having a problem with money lately. Making ends meet…living paycheck to paycheck?

If so: This is not for you. I see you have ambition, and want a much better life in the future. I also see that you are willing to work for it. There is an opportunity that is coming your way in the near future. I believe this will come in the mail. This is the vehicle that will change your life far beyond your dreams. Be careful no to overlook it.

If no: I see something coming to you in the near future, a money making opportunity that will change your life, get you things you never thought you’d have. I see this change is a result of your hard work, not necessarily a new job, but an achievement you’ll work for. I see that this opportunity will come to you most likely in the mail, or be something you read somewhere. Don’t let this pass you by. It’s the real thinking, the thing that will bring you a whole new happiness. More money to do the things you love to do, and it will be easy, not like a job at all.
Additional Information

I see someone in your life that has been looking for something for a long time. They are not going to get this and they are going to be very upset. You will hear about this by phone and it will be lengthy conversation, you will be a major help to this person.

However, they are so much better off for not having gotten this as something else so much better is coming their way. And they will not have to wait too long for it.

I can see a field of flowers with a border of flowerpots. People are searching thru the field. What I sense here is that something is lost and it will be found in a vase or flowerpot

I rarely get a name but I seem to be getting one now. Do you know a Michael or Michelle?

If yes - They will do you a very big favor in the future.

If no - They will meet someone with that name or a similar one that will do them a favor in the future.

I can see you in someone’s office. There are a lot of books around. The man sitting at his desk either has a large forehead or a receding hairline. I can’t tell which. He will give you good advice, which will affect your future in a positive way.

I see you at some sort of Auction or sale…..Maybe even a flea market. At any rate there is a lot of wood around, on the walls and even on the ceiling. You will find a bargain this day, which will make you very happy.

Late in (give month) the mail will bring an opportunity to increase your income. Take advantage of this even it seems a bit risky.

The year 2002 will be one of the better years in your life. You will have the contentment & happiness and your finances will improve. Many opportunities will come your way and you will feel like you are living a charmed life. Much of the good things that happen this year will spill over into the following years. You only have good things to look forward.

Someone you are very close to has been thinking about you today. This is someone who has a close bond with you. I can see a lot of love here. This person is a very strong person. It could be a parent as they hope that you have success and wish you would assert yourself more. I believe you should call this person.

Suicide Calls

Is it a real threat or a gesture for attention?
A gesture comes from a person who really does not want to die. The danger is that the threat may go to far.

Evaluating threats

Use the S-A-L method for evaluating the suicide threat.

S-Specified Plan Does it appear that the caller has a specific method and time for following through with the plan to commit suicide?

A-Availability Does the caller have the means available to accomplish the act? Encourage the caller to tell you if he/she is taking any medication, or if they have a gun, that they intend to use.

L-Lethality Is the plan of action lethal? For Example, what kind, and how much medication does the caller have at hand to use?

If there is no threat of suicide, but you are presented with a high-risk scenario, ask the caller if they are planning to hurt or harm themselves. Say something like, “sounds like it is a very stressful time for you. Are you thinking of hurting yourself?” If the person says yes, ask them how they would do it. AVOID using the word suicide.

Unwillingness to talk about the method might indicate they the suicide intent is real and the person does not want to be stopped. Attempt to redirect the person’s attention. The caller believes that he without hope, but get them to explain to you how he has come this far in life. Help him focus on his previous strengths, and help him to let those strengths carry him through the next 24 hours. THIS CAN HELP SAVE THE PERSONS LIFE. In these situations it is very important to let the caller express his sadness or frustration. Be sure to LISTEN

Start to help the caller focus on what he can do NOW. Discuss other options that might be open to him/her.


Of course what I do with a potential suicide is forward them to my blog and cue up the appropriate song.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I'm Calling For Miss Cleo. Wait A Minute. Is This TAN??!!?

I've been a freelancer for a little while now. And since I'm not [yet] making that top shelf $$$ for writing, it means I've had a number of odd jobs over the years. One of them was a short stint as a psychic for the Miss Cleo network.

Miss Cleo, the old Jamaican lady who appeared on TV commercials in the late 90s and early 2000, has long been outed as a fraud. Here's a link to a court tv piece. Here's more assorted info.

But since I was a little backed up work wise. I thought I'd post a segment from the instructional "How To Be A Psychic" manual. I was recently organizing my archives, and came across the old 37-page document they sent me circa 2001. Thought it might be interesting/amusing for some. And if anyone calls psychics, for real, then consider it an education as well.

If there's interest, I'll post more later/tomorrow from the "Ideas For Adding Time To Your Calls" section. Or maybe "Suicide Calls," which is the absolutely last section of the manual. Right after the section on incorporating "lucky lotto numbers" into your call (there are no intentional jokes here).

If this old news is still just old ... then I'll move on. And while you wait for that you can figure out another way to Vote For TAN at The URBs.

The following excerpt is unedited and pulled from the "All Calls Should Begin In This Sequence And Manner" section. Gotta love those creative punchy headlines:

Five minutes into the reading, we suggest that you stop and say something like this. “Vicky, by the way, do you have a pen or pencil handy because I just want to make sure that you take down my extension number here at the network in case we get cut off. It happens sometimes and I just want to make sure that you have it. It’s __________ and the number to call when you call back is ###-###-####. Now Vicky, I’ve also been asked to send you our free newsletter. It’s absolutely fabulous. May I please have your last name and the street address because I’d like to get it out in tomorrow’s mail…..and your zip code”? Then, continue with your reading.

Your rapport with the caller begins as soon as the caller hears your voice. NOT when you begin your reading. Make sure that your voice has a cheerful positive lift to it. Your voice should sound as though you’ve waited all day just to talk to them. At the beginning of the call, while you are taking their initial information is the time to start establishing your rapport with the caller. Whenever possible, make positive, complimentary remarks about their name, birth date, or even the city in which they live. For example “Vicky, what a lovely name, people must compliment you all the time” Or, “Oh, you are from New Orleans, what an exciting city to live in. I’ve always wanted to see Mardi gras” Or “Aquarius, what a wonderful sign to be born under. Many of our astronauts were born under your sign.” By saying things like this, you have immediately given them a message that says, “I like you. I like your name, I like where you are from, and even the sign that you were born under.” Say positive things in relation to the astrological sign they are.

Saying things that are friendly to the caller will help put them at ease, remember many are calling a tarot reader for the first time. This is more important than you realize, they will be nervous and have no idea what to expect. If you follow the examples we have set, and you will be off to a great start. Remember to ask questions. Some of you may be under the impression that if you ask questions that the caller won’t have faith in your abilities. No one can possibly know everything, and asking questions helps you get to know the caller.

We suggest that you begin with an opening reading before focusing on the caller’s questions. If the caller blurts out their questions at the beginning of the call, they are going to say, “Thanks, and end the call.” The object is to keep the caller on the line Instead of answering their questions right away, you can say something like “Vicky, please hold that thought for a few moments, we will work on that in just a few minutes”

Now that you have gotten the initial information, you should smoothly, without a pause, continue with what we call your “opening statement.”

The “opening statement” is simply the first “5” minutes of the call after you have taken their personal information (first name, birth date, city and state). This is by far the most critical time of the call. Your caller will make that all-important decision to take his/her free two minutes and hang up or continue to talk with you. He/she will base this decision on what he/she hears from you during these critical five minutes. Here is where you must be the most dynamic, exciting, and intriguing. There is not time to be lukewarm in your presentation. We suggest that you get these first five minutes down to a science if you want your caller to stay on the line wanting to hear more. If you don’t get this perfected, your callers won’t be on the line long enough for you to be able to tell them anything. The following is an example of what an exciting positive “opening statement” might be like. This is only an example: we suggest that you do not say this, or the same thing over and over to different callers.

EXAMPLE: Vicky, I just have to tell you that as soon as I heard your voice I saw the most beautiful aura around you and picked up a wonderful energy from you. This tells me that no matter what has gone on in your life, up to this point, you have some absolutely fabulous things coming up for you in the very near future. It’s just not possible for anything else to be happening when you have this brilliant, positive aura around you. This is going to be one of the most exciting readings I’ve done in a long time. You see Vicky, nothing happens without a reason. There is a reason that you called the Network today and you were connected to me. It’s because I am the one person you needed to talk to, to receive the answers and the help you need in your life at this time. Without your saying another word, I can tell that you are a very sensitive warm and intelligent lady. You are also spiritually evolved and not afraid to explore the unknown. I fell privileged to be the one to do your reading today. Vicky, I’d like to give you a brief description of the kind of reading I am going to do for you today. It’s a (psychic, tarot) reading and I’d like you to be thinking about the questions you’d like to ask and perhaps even write them down, if you think you might forget them.

First I’m going to tell you something that you most likely wondered about, hoped, suspected or maybe even felt you already knew about. In any case, I’m going to verify it for you. You have a guardian angel. Did you know that? You guardian angel has been with you since you were born and will be there for you all your life. You are very protected and always will be. Vicky, do you have some personal questions you’d like to ask or something in your personal life that you would like for me to focus on today? Okay, and I am beginning to shuffle the deck. Please tell me your question so I can focus my energy regarding this matter into the deck as I shuffle. I want you to tell me when you feel the cards have been shuffled enough.
Continue with your reading, and create your own opening statement, according to your own experience with calls, and the information the caller has provided you with. We suggest that you give them their general reading, BEFORE answering their personal questions. If the caller blurts out their question, and you answer it right away, they are going to end the call prematurely. Try to stay focused on keeping tier interest and maintaining a length call.

more from the Miss Cleo manual ...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Josh And His Brother Harty Har-Har

The other day I caught myself telling someone I was joshing.

This is a word we need to bring back. It’s just fun. It’s old school. It’s distinctive. It has character. You never hear black people say joshing. I mean, you don't hear it much at all. But you'd really be stunned to hear someone in the hood break out a "joshing."

Some motherfucker named Josh influenced the right people. A funny motherfucker named Josh.

How funny was this guy?

"I’m just joshing." "I’m just joshing with you."

He had that particularly kidding style of humor also. Not too edgy. Type of shit you say harty-har-har too. That's why I think Josh's brother's name was Harty Har-Har. To become a figure of speech, Josh had to have a regular sidekick/hypeman. And if someone's doing some comedy that inspires a "joshing" remark, you know "harty har-har" is not far behind.

"oh I'm just Joshing"

"harty har-har"

I just want to know whose mountain did he brokeback to make his name part of the colloquialized lexicon?

I ain't joshing Josh. Fess up. Or your brother Harty Har-Har pays the price.

UPDATE: Josh makes The Black List, and gets a C grade.

Monday, December 12, 2005

TAN Interviews Richard Pryor (RIP)

Today's update can be read over at [decentcontent]. It's an interview between myself and the late Richard Pryor.

The Assimilated Negro: so thank you for doing this interview with me today. It’s nice to have this sort of exclusive. And I know it’s a tough time right now.

Richard Pryor: It’s not that tough. I’d recommend more interviews getting done after motherfuckers die. There ain’t shit to do now, except think about shit, so it’s a great time for an interview.

TAN: so any immediate regrets ?

RP: yeah. Well I regret doing all those motherfucking drugs that probably cut my life short at least ten years. That MS shit ain’t cool. You kids probably think a motherfucker’s cool ridin’ in the wheelchair. Racing and poppin’ wheelies and shit. The shit ain’t cool.

read more ...

Saturday, December 10, 2005

The Century Club Redux

The Century Club (now with pics!) is up over at College Humor.

click here if you'd like to read it

I'm amused that my picture is at the top, but then a caucasian is the model to help demonstrate the stages.

I see two spins for that along racial lines.

Pro Black - I wrote the piece, and would not lower myself to "clown it up" for the accompanying photos. It's about time a negro gets to relax while caucasians dance and contort their faces for someone else's benefit.

Pro White - No negro. We can't have you taking the pictures because it kills the believability. We're a popular site here, and we want someone the masses can relate to, you know? No offense.

a college with no melanin is no college at all

by the way. have you met my bodyguard?

Mr. Seriouso, Trying To Be Normal (audio)

These are audio snippets from "The Torment Of The Assimilated Negro" which is Part 2 of The TAN Demo - Theater of the Assimilated Negro.

first snippet is around 30 seconds. I titled it "Mr. Seriouso." As in, "this content is too serious, who are you trying to be, Mr. Seriouso?"

this snippet is around 20 seconds. Titled, "I tried to be normal ..." It precedes the song "Kill My Crew" where I flip out and kill a couple guys in my crew.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Ever Blog Something You Regret? (Cathartic Aftermath)

So last night during the cathartic meditation on the reappearance of my mother I wrote the following passage...
In honor of my mother appearing after many, many, many years. I am declaring today Fuck You Friday.

Fuck You Friday’s goal will be to post as much shit that I would never fucking post. As a secondary goal, I will also aim to have the largest post ever. Primarily as another means of saying fuck you. But also as a secondary means of saying fuck you.

Do you not understand that ???

Fuck you.

Seriously. Fuck you.

Get used to it. As you might guess, asshole, it will be a recurring theme on Fuck You Friday. Me telling you. Fuck You.

Fuck you.

You don’t even know what’s about to happen here. It’s about to be historic. Epic shit.

Those adjectives are bullshit. Fuck you. It is going to be all of that. But I don’t fucking care. Because fuck you. You aren’t shit. Who? You. You reading this. Yes. You. Fuck YOU. Don’t like it. Be out. Fuck you. You think I care about traffic. Filtering for a niche, but maximizing the audience. Fuck you. The audience is bullshit. You’re bullshit.

Here, what if I say it like this. Fuck. You. You like that? You like that with the one word, then the period, giving you a little emphatic style? You. Like. That. Shit? Oh that’s not how it works? Too bad. Fuck you.

None of it matters.

I am about to drop shit you’ve never seen before. That’s what matters. You want to judge otherwise? Fuck you. You’re not shit. I don’t give a shit what you think. You’re nothing. You are less than me. Fuck you. You can’t do what I can do. You can’t even conceive it. You can’t conceive it until I fucking show you.

I am a fucking artist. I am THE fucking artist.

How dare you not vote for me for Urban Arts blog. You think I give a fuck about an URB. URBs are for Herbs. Fuck you. But if I did give a fuck about an URB, I’d tell you me as urban arts blog is a no-fucking-brainer. I am THE artist.

And yeah I know the link fields and links don't correlate in a helpful manner. Fuck you.

What’s that? “saying "fuck" a lot doesn’t make you an artist” fuck you. Looking and smelling like you do doesn’t make you a pile of shit either.

Yeah. I don’t know what that means. It means fuck you. You shouldn’t even be thinking. What the fuck arey ou thinking about? Are you trying to judge? You want to judge me? Fuck you. I don’t care what you think. So don’t bother. You can either lap up the fruits of my labor in the most sincere authentic way possible. Or you can be silent.

I’ve got like 5-10 songs cued up. I don’t know how many I’ll drop. None of them are from Theater of the Assimilated Negro. None of them are about blogs or any shit like that. It’s personal. Fuck you if you don’t like it.

As an aside, I was going to drop a little something today for Girlspoke. I’m supposed to be doing a drunkcast with meme and lexie sometime soon. I was goign to surprise them with a little audio prelude. But then my mother showed up. So maybe next week, in time for their party. But I wanted to let the girls know now so they can start picking out nice underwear.

SO anyways. I have some songs. A lot of them rough drafts. I also have written stuff. And I'm going to try and figure out a way to get some urine in here somehow. Just to say fuck you.
And I ended there. I fell asleep. And when I woke up I was feeling a little more emotionally stable and balanced. Not hostile. And with that balance came the thought it might still be a good idea. To vent and use this as an outlet. And cast aside concerns about anything external to my own personal interests. I don't need to say "fuck you," in a meanspirited way. Instead of fuck you friday. Maybe it's "who am I" friday. Or "who I am" friday. A personal day.

I also like the idea of a long-ass blog post, that has a variety of written content, and audio content. It's kind of like a blog concert. I'm going to host and narrate the events, and we're just going to shuffle through a bunch of material. Most of the material, I wouldn't normally post. Either because it's too personal, or it's incomplete, or it's a little too far in whatever zone it's in. Or some other reason.

And since it's stuff I wouldn't normally post, I'm probably going to forget I ever did this after it's done. So don't ask if we see each other. I probably won't know what you're talking about.

But for now. we forge ahead....

Before we move on however. I think this song is a good segue after the fuck you friday intro. I did this song a couple years ago when "Can You Hear Me Now" was just catching on. I used to it to lead off sets. It was fun. It's been in the back of the cabinet though, because obviously the "can you hear me now" got dated, and there's an excessive amount of "n-word" usage. And the "n-word" is not negro. But now, since it's lively, and old enough to be ironic, and kind of appropriate. We segue into "Can You Hear Me Now?" to get this started ...


since this will be the longest post ever. all the lyrics are going right after the audio, so you can read along with your children at the office.

Enter the room, and my raps are all over
Can you hear me now?
Who wanna be the jackass to fuck w/ a king cobra?
spitting kind
back bolder w/ written rhymes
time tap the shoulder of brothers who skip in line
“excuse me ni**a,"
"people getting choosy ni$$a,"
"get a new style, drop the tooly ni%%a"
"cause you be looking fooly"
"all this acting unruly”
I rudely smack ni@@as ‘fore I take ‘em back to cooley
You iced out stoolies …
It’s truly yours
And duly note the applause when I’m in your ass like dirty drawers
Can you hear me now?
y'all ni**as are rap prawns
Claiming you’re raw dog
more like soft-core porn
And we’re - twice the spice
twice as nice
fuck around w/ tony tantrum (my former dj)
and you might get sliced
flowin’ w/ two tables and a mic device
throw in a couple dykes
and some drinks that’s spiked
we got the ladies cummin’ and shit
but we stay huntin’ for dumb ni**as
runnin’ they lip
so fuck this underground slummin’
the room blue and too stunnin’
anybody frontin’
I son ‘em
like Phil Drummond

Don’t you know we need conflict?
I’m supplying the beef
My crew pissed
e & tone got me applying for beats
no empire or messiah
to squire the streets
Scale my shit down to desire
pure fire and heat
they're gonna say I blindsided the real
I remind you the deal
don't pretend
in the end
we're all riding by feel
like fucking, those first few times
fucking around with those first few lines
became the first few rhymes
it's The Blue Revolution
the fucking first few signs
at the party
I'm only fucking with the first few dimes
then I get tired
or rather inspired to write
and the tall skinny bitches
just blocking my light
"get out the way"
to the point when I got something to say
classified reads, “alpha male with a capital a”
I react
bring your ass back
I”ll slap it away
Before sex my silhouette looks like a capital J

These days you need more than rhymes and reason
You need a reason to rhyme
no seasonal lines
summer cash, winter is crime
i’m keeping mine genuine
inclined to enter the spot
see my intellect connect,
whether you on friendster or not
whether you a god-body
or brother who got bodies
got personality
or the hot-rod body
my brain’s not potty trained
I drop this shit on your feet
cinderella tip
I fit like glass slippers on beats
You’ll know the fella, J-Ella
biggest ship in the fleet
to hell and back
angelic raps react to simmer the heat
just a glimmer
of how I serve ni**as
like 5-star dinners
Sinner sautéed
this is gourmet
delivered all day
four trays
palate cleanser sorbet
yo they getting antsy tonight
cause the parlance is fancy-schmantsy
enhanced when I write
be it blacked out or light
we still advance through the night
take a chance pass go
I’ll build a house on a hot flow
Jambox won’t stop ‘til we got the mon-op-o
j-o on your mind like the j-o
last line of this yayo
just give me mine and say-hooooooooooooooo

One of the issues that always comes up when screening material, is the question of whether I'm an artist or a professional. Or as Josh friedman more eloquently puts it, "a zookeeper or a monkey."

Artists/monkeys get to do whatever they fuck what they want. They have fuck you friday every day of the week.

The artist says, “I’m so badass, I can fucking get over on this world just by being my awesome fucking self (AFS). Then they come up with whatever way they can publicly demonstrate that AFS in a way that empowers them. Using the cultural indicators around them they choose something reasonably accepted (hence q-tipping your asshole is not generally considered an “art”) and then freakishly obsess over it and study it, and master the rationalization behind whatever allows that craft to be accepted as art. Self-expression is self-expression. Masturbation is masturbation. But some of us call it other things. And some say this can go there, but that can’t...

I have many other thoughts on this. Terms like "deconstruction of art (DOA)" and "Anti-Artist Artistry" and "Art Over Artists" are names I've considered for my second album which I think will be themed around this topic.

I wrote this bit a while back to try and express it in a different way:
A Prelude to Art over Artists

Here is the artist!

Here!! Look at him!!

Come look at him here!!


In all his glory!

See him there!!


Hunched over. Eyes closed. Oblivious to the world around him.

Come everyone!!

Come see the artist here!!

Come see his whims!!

Come see his PLEASURE!!

We laugh at 2-bit whores and say they lack artistry. Haha

But never mind them, come look at THE ARTIST here.

The supreme Artist. Naked. Exposed for all.

Come here and see him.

Hunched over, but not in the legs, just in the upper body. The shoulders.

Look at his pleased look in his face. He must be creating.




Come see the Artist!! Come see the artist creating art!!

LOOK!! Look at how pleased the artist is!!

Look how he moves as he creates!!

Look at how he moves his waist!!

He is creating ART!!


Aren’t we friends now.

We are friends sharing.

We must revel in this moment.

This artist.

This art.

Look at how he pulses.

Look at how he gyrates.

Look at how he thrusts.


In rhythm.

Look at how the sweat glistens on his back!!

Look at his arm pumping furiously!!!

Can you feel the excitement building!!

Can you feel it!!

Can’t you feel THE ART coming!!







Look the artist sees us.

He sees us now.

Look at the artist. He’s shy.

He holds out the art sheepishly.

He thinks we won’t —



And his magnificent art.

So that's that. I think i wrote it when I was getting in the mix with poets for the Poets V Rappers show. I often try and emulate my environment creatively. Around music, I'll do that. Writers, I'll do that. Literary is fine. So is smut. Humor I love. But I don't mind stern. I think I still maintain my own identity or voice in whatever I do. But I like trying all the different stuff....

I mentioned girlspoke earlier. And Snod, who writes for girlspoke, and is EIC at decent content, has coaxed me to do some stuff for them. The other day I ran a bit by her, jsut to get a female perspective. I thought it might be offensive. But I wasn't sure. I had two optional titles:

Want Some Butter On That Gender Roll?


The Bleeding Vagina Monologue

Of course it was the second one I was concerned about.

But now I'm not concerned. So here it is:
Ok. Here’s the deal. I like this title. So I can do something formal where I kind of express my feelings on gender roles and relations. Or I could do something that might be a little inflammatory. Far less substantive, probably. More entertaining, maybe.

Ok let’s go inflammatory.

The Bleeding Vagina Monologue

I wrote this for my actor friend who said he wanted something fresh for his audition. It was based on a recent e-conversation I had, and, as the rant alludes, other things.

"Ok. Look. I’m sorry I called you a bleeding vagina. "

Once again I was forced to say that to some female I thought I befriended.

“I know it’s a little excessive. Amongst a host of other things. But that’s what I’m about. I like being excessive sometimes. If only to see what happens in excessive situations.

So can’t you cut me some slack?

It’s not like I broke it out immediately upon meeting you.

I waited for the signal. As I always do. The universal sign:

'you know what. I want you to treat me like one of the guys.'

You said it.

And some guys fart.

Some guys throw punches.

I like to jokingly refer to you as a 'bleeding vagina'.

What's the prob?

I mean, you are kind of, right?

I know there’s other things to your personality blahzay-blah.

But, I mean, I don’t have to deal with the bleeding vagina issue. Ever. Unless a bleeding vagina brings her shit into my circle, I never have to worry.

Not saying I mind (necessarily). I mean, you know, like everything else it has its pros and cons. In general, there's always a 50-50 chance I'm down with a vagina, no matter the variety.

But aren’t we seeking equal, honest communication? Can’t I call a spade a spade?

An assimilated negro, an assimilated negro?"

But no woman ever goes for that explanation, even though I usually give it with a lot of conviction and purpose.

No, after that, I always get, “please do not marginalize me as a woman.” And then immediate placement on the shit list. Presuming I don’t’ receive something far more violent.

But the thing is I’m confused. Because as the argument goes, this is never a problem when I’m standing in line for the bus, outside in the cold, and I let ten women in front of me.

Or when there’s only a couple parachutes left in the plane that's about to crash, and the ladies get them.

Or I throw my jacket over a puddle so you could walk on/over it.

(Aren’t we happy that little trend has passed. There should be a holiday for the first guy to say, “this is some motherfucking stupid shit I’m doing here with my jacket getting dirty on the street in the mud. She could definitely walk around. It’s not imperative that she maintain a rigidly straight path to her destination. Especially when the puddle’s not even all that big.)

So yeah women are funny. And they’re definitely not bleeding vaginas.
And they're not. Seriously. I know it. I don't mean anything by it. I say it like I would say something rude and crass to a guy. And I say it after a girl has asked to be treated like "one of the guys." But I've never not had it turn against me. So I'm probably going to kill the bleeding vagina reference.

This next song might help show the ladies I respect them.

Song is called "Best Friend's Wedding" And I had the thought for it when a female college friend of mine got married. I thought it would be cool to kind of capture the movie storyline in a hip hop song.

It's a rough draft. And I'll have to get a new track for it. But we don't care about that today.


some people gonna know just what I’m talking about
usually play it cool
sometimes I open my mouth
check the setting
best friend’s wedding
she’s getting married
to this guy named Larry
and yeah
that’s fortunate for this particular rhyme
but you should know this is all fact
for those keeping the time
it’s 1:30
guess I gotta drink early
a little Ketel-1
then a little bit of flirty
talking to some girlies
start feeling nervy
said “I should be the groom”
not sure anybody heard me
but I did
and I found it disturbing
Anger. Guilt. Fear.
not quite sure of the wording
but …
I felt something
I know it’s best to say nothing
But ..
i’m just fronting
unless I say something
what …?
here she comes walking
the organ is playing
priest started talking
next thing you know I was saying …

Your sensibility
That shit be thrilling me
I know you’re feeling me
I feel it in the air
That’s why it’s killing me…
The shit that we shared …

there was silence
then a wisecrack
“what the fuck was that”
said someone in the back
and I was like
“come on baby
let me talk to the lady
and maybe
we can have jokes later
okay b?”
i turned back and looked her dead in her eyes
she looked back without a hint of surprise
i smiled and said
you know I have the worst timing
you’re probably wondering,
why now?
and why the fuck are you rhyming?
if you got something to say
you should just say it
well, that’s very true
so this last rhyme's from me to you
as long as what I bleed
and the seas are blue
and whatever size the jeans
you gotta squeeze into
it’s a dream for two
i’ll flat-leave my crew
jump through hoops
and off the trampoline for you
you’re my best friend
so what the fuck am I saying
funny thing is
for once, I ain’t even playing

So yeah. I think that's going to be a nice one whenever it gets done.

Here's something about "The New Revolutionary" It's another "alternative" bit, I'm using it as a theme on a piece about Terrell owens, and why we should perhaps revere him, instead of ostracizing him.

There is in development a new revolutionary.

Most people cannot stomach the new revolutionary these days.

He is in fact, too revolutionary.

The new revolutionary slaps you with swagger, holding her cunt with confidence.

She spits in your eye and laughs derisively.

She doesn’t say fuck me, she never says fuck me.

Unless he wants to.

The new revolutionary smiles and says, “you fools still care about gender?”

You clowns still quibble about race?

There is but one color,

and it is darkness…”

The new revolutionary is not here because he believes in now.

She does not think. She is not.

The new revolutionary will become old

Then give birth to the new revolutionary

And the new revolutionary will laugh

Derisive because the new revolutionary knows

What the new revolutionary does not

So the new revolutionary is coming to town.

Like my mother.

I have some audio that references my mother. Here's one of the bits. It's a little more artistic, abstract, and poetic than some of the other stuff. Or so I like to think.


send this one to my mama
and dom dada
they encased my mind in permanent drama
so I bring the game ko[r]mma
that’s reason for pause
whether you fighting for peace
or kneel at a cross
if you’re -
married to god
or need a divorce
if you -
don’t give a fuck
or bleed for the cause
if you -
check if they’re clean
by sniffing your drawers
if you
have AIDS
just got a sniffle or cough …
i change gears
spill that blood on cashmere
y'all talk tomorrow
don’t know I spit that last year
from the big city
there’s only first or last here
and Blue Room
we’re trying to plant the staff here
don’t mean a flag
i mean the whole bag
a philandering Dad
wife on a rag
kid that talks back
plus a Mexican to take out the trash
i'm so fast
better get your hands on the dash
or risk whiplash
from the crash of pens and pads
lights flash
i make beats bend and sag
- by now you really must know the dilly
- my rhymes rock mags - pop wheelies
stop and listen
it’s time for that mind nutrition
brought it from the Bx
to the Pomfret griffin
nonfiction –
mind drifting
reminiscing on Bam in the kitchen …

slick speaker
i make ni**as switch speakers
my flows demand Bose
like heroes demand foes
and shows demand prose
that goes beyond good and evil
yo, we squeezing camels in needles?
for people who fear the gap
i rap like Evil knievel
my art a means to an end
i don’t believe in the end
season change
but never come to an end
i live life like a reed
with no reason to bend
head of a bull
heart of an ox
sometimes dumb as a mule
sometimes sly as a fox
sometimes I enjoy the ride
sometimes I wish it would stop
sometimes I think homophobes
are just in love with their pops
the awkward silence
I invite it
people fight it
but I’m driving
so you’re riding
first sin
yo this pride
i gotta try it
gotta buy it
fatten my brain
put my body on a diet
makes sense …
the vision nascent …

Ok. I have to take a pause for the cause. Even blogging-mental breakdowns need intermissions.

So until i return with more ...


UPDATE - The moment has passed. This is the end. I came up well short of how much I wanted to post. But I'm back to stable and no longer looking to overexpose myself like this. I do think the "blog concert" idea could stick though. Just have to polish up the concept and organize a little.

Anyways, we will be returning back to the normal abnormal-TAN transmissions.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child

Thus far I've treated this medium as more of a sketch-pad than diary.

But some personal things demand documentation of some sort.

Like Thanksgiving with my newly-discovered sister.

So about 15 minutes ago, my aforementioned sister informed me that my infrequently mentioned mother is in NYC and interested in seeing me.

I haven't seen her in a mother-son context since I was about five years old. I haven't seen or heard from her in any capacity since I was about ten years old.

I feel a fair amount of confusion ambivalence.

But I did want to document the date and time.

I also thought it was interesting to note that the only people who know about this right now are:

my sister (who informed me)
Leila (who I haven't met in person)
and another friend who has requested anonymity when referenced on TAN

and of course, now, anyone who happens to read this post.

I'm such a weirdo... But maybe I'm going to find out why.

She's here until Saturday. Next chance will be February.

It's a tough call. I feel I just got a show at the Garden, but it's tomorrow, and I'm not really ready.

"you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow ..."

bleh ... words are so flimsy sometimes.
This was mildly therapeutic...

I'm Making The List. I'm Checking It Twice.

TAN was added to the "B-List" over at Blogebrity.

Can you smell the book deal?

No? Just gas? Ok.

"cause along with celebrity come about seventy shots to your frame"

fire away haters...

Who's Up For Penis Hand-Stands???

I couldn't come up with a caption I was happy with. Any suggestions?
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