Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Late Night Host David Letterman Gunned Down Very Late At Night

Late night “turf wars” explode violently

New York, New York (AP) -- The violent conflicts so often associated with hip hop spilled over into the mainstream late last night, when widely recognized “Big Poppa” of the late night talk show world, David Letterman, was fatally gunned down while heading to his car.

There was one witness who did not see the crime, but did hear the late night perpetrator scream out, “you’re out too late at night this time Letterman!” Gunshots and Dave's screams were the sounds that followed.

Most speculate that the beef between he and Leno's Tonight Show crew is the reason for Dave’s fatal demise.

Jay Leno when hearing of the tragedy released this statement:
I sincerely hope the media doesn’t twist this story into something that will only cause more problems. The brief-but-impressive ratings spike a story like this will provide your network is not worth the lives that may be lost if I am forced to have to defend my family … and staff of writers.

I will say it once. I was not involved with Mr. Letterman’s violent death, and though our relationship was adversarial, I would always prefer to settle beef on the tube. Going mono-y-monologue as it were.


My heart and deepest condolences go out to his family.

And now … Kevin Eubanks and The Tonight Show band!!!

After the band played a few songs Mr. Leno flashed the “J-L” hand-sign that has become his trademark and left the building.

While Leno is the main suspect, there are some who say band-leader Max Weinberg of The Conan O’Brien show is worth investigating. If Letterman were rubbed out, Conan and Max would potentially be in line to take over, thereby not having to wait for Leno to retire.

While officials try to sort out the details of this harrowing tale of vengeful murder, Paul Schafer has started a tribute blog to Letterman called, "Dave the GOAT"

It can be found at this easy to type url:

Mr. Schafer will also be releasing a double-cd tribute album called, Sorrow Whispers. The album will feature guest appearances from: Nelly, Gwen Stefani, The Black Eyed Peas, Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani, Nelly, Kelly Clarkson and The Black Eyed Peas. The first 1000 customers get free bonus video of Lil’ Kim in jail. The last 1000 get bonus video of “Too Late with Adam Carolla”

Sorrow Whispers will be available on CD and in the iTunes music store tomorrow.

"Host the Late Show or Die Trying" t-shirts are available now on

The iLetterman model ipod is expected to be ready in time for the Christmas rush.

If you feel me, let off a couple shots, and spill a little liquor for Big Dave the Greatest Of All Time ...

5824 people are Googling "Sorrow Whispers" cause they like the lineup of artists


  1. Aw, man, can't you kill off Leno instead?

  2. LMAO

    I think Conan O'Brian is the one behind this... has anyone frisked the schroom on this head? You know how many weapons could be stashed in there? Hell, the WMD's may be in that nest!

  3. Anonymous10/19/2005

    I don't think I should do this but

    *pouring a little liquor*

  4. I would have preferred that you offed Leno too ... but all the same this made for one heck of a fine read.

    Great job!

  5. Letterman has to be the one to die. there's no story if you kill the one everyone likes best.

    I would have written, "leno gunned down"

    and you would have said, "oh, that's nice" and moved on ...

  6. Anonymous11/06/2005

    The media shoot horses, don't they? Also, I found your "I would have written, 'leno gunned down'

    and you would have said, 'oh, that's nice' and moved on ..." very funny, as most of your stuff TAN man. Carry on,

    the herb


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