Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Speak With Your Eyes, Talk To The Hand

I think we need more focus and study on eye contact. There’s so much going on there that we haven’t explored. We should be studying this stuff in grade school, instead of cavemen and dinosaurs. Maybe Malcolm Gladwell could do his next book on the subject, Blink 2: Blinking Without Blinking(??).

Because even in the thriving metropolis that is NYC, you could probably get away with most of the population not saying more than a handful of words a day. Communicating only through eye contact.

I submit a snippet of my day as an example:

Today I got on the train, I looked at this guy, and he saw me notice the Notre Dame hat on his head. Without saying a word, we consoled each other on a tough loss.

Then I looked around and locked eyes with this cute girl, and her eyes told me she wanted me.

Then I looked at another girl, and she wanted me also.

And then I looked at a third girl, and she was looking away, but in a way that said she really wanted me.

In response my eyes told them I know The Assimilated Negro represents the best of both worlds, but right now there’s no room in the bed for me, you, AND the ibook. My ibook is 14”, so it’s probably not going to work.

Eventually I got off the train and headed to the stairs. While walking I looked at the person next to me, and by the end of our short soundless conversation we both knew that I was going to be in front of him in line as we exit.

Then as I was about to go through the exit turnstile, someone beat me to it, swiping their metrocard and entering before me. My eyes explained to them that if there wasn’t such a crowd right now I would kick them in the groin, but they could go right ahead ... this time.

Once out the station I saw the guy I always see when I’m getting out the station, and both our eyes said, “oh, you again. I wonder if you notice this extremely insincere half-smile I’m giving you. I wish you would change routes so I wouldn’t have to keep seeing your all-too-familiar face.”

So after all this train drama, my eyes were a little tired of talking. So what did I do? I stopped by the nearest bagel guy, closed my eyes, and said, “can I get a cinnamon raisin bagel, plain. Thanks.”

I then opened my eyes only to notice this girl walking by. Our eyes connected, and yup, you guessed it, she wanted me.

So I walked over and was about to tell her how my blog is great, and (most) everyone else is poop, but she looked in my eyes, ascertained my intent and exclaimed, “Don’t even bother Negro. Seriously. Just talk to the hand.”

And thus the title of this post.


  1. It's a very good title of the post

  2. I think I'm starting to want you. Does saying it out loud ruin it?

  3. All right, you keep talking about your eyes. The lovely lovely eyelashes. The wanting, always with the people looking and wanting. Give us a picture of your eyes, dammit, and not looking off to the side.

    How do your eyes communicate on the train when the message is "wow, you reek" or "oops, I farted"?

  4. Sometimes, when you're staring at a girl, they look angrily away in that way that says I want you.

  5. unsane - thanks

    rach-a-el - well you're just "starting", so no problems yet ...

    bluemoon - anyone who comments on the poop post receives automatic exemption.

    orange - I don't know how your eyes communicate it, but mine do something similar to what you see in my profile.

    blackcat - I don't quite understand, but I already know TAN-Man is often imitated, never duplicated, and always assimilated ...

    kurt - yeah I've seen that. there's also the "scared stiff" I want you

  6. kurt: it's more like "i want (to disembowel) you."

  7. Don't forget the "God, I wish you would stop licking your lips and staring at me you fucking creep" I want you. That's how I met my last boyfriend.

  8. A.N., this is very, very, very hard for me to do...but discarding my made-up ranter personality for a moment, your writing is very good and very entertaining.

    For what it's worth (nada) when I get around to adding favorites to my shit-site, you will be somewhere in the middle, probably bottom-ish (snicker, sorry, I couldn't carry it through the whole post).

  9. Jack - you're more of a high class bad ass. but then I couldn't call you Jack.

    ltna - how did that relationship go?

    CR - you praise me now, but I bet behind closed doors you tell people I drink Svedka.

  10. Anonymous3/07/2006

    hey tan, i visited groverstreet, i mean herbover and there is nothing remotely elusive about his humor.........it's evasively diminished! Anywho just started reading your blogs.......and i thought i was witty. Won't tell you to "keep at it" but i will say "bask in your passion until your silence is no longer mute"


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