Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Storm Warning: Hurricane "What Are You Thinking?" Is Approaching Fast

Stumbled on Kiss & Blog, and they raised the "what are you thinking" issue with regards to relationships.

I personally shy away from the traditional gender role description, where girl interrogates and guy stares blankly into space. I think guys can be introspective also. And more to the point, I think that correlates more with the power dynamic, which can swing either way. So if some fat, stupid, unemployed, ashtray of a guy happens to stumble into a relationship with Heidi Klum. I'd bet that he's the one asking "what are you thinking" while she hogs the TV on Sunday watching Project Runway marathons without saying a word.

But I do think Wombat is on the money at the end of his rant:
If only Relationship Talk had a Six Flags. We'd be more open to the ups and downs if we were riding on something fun, like a rollercoaster ...
This is the key to me. The Town of Relationship Talk needs an amusement park, or a sense-of-humor ice cream truck, or even a smile lollipop might help. Unfortunately, when that question is posed, it usually feels like the dark clouds of a category 10 hurricane are rolling in, and consequently the appropriate reaction is to shutter down all doors and windows (presumably to the soul) and only converse about matters that are bare necessities for survival. Presuming, of course, you don't simply evacuate the premises.

I'm curious about other people's thoughts on the matter. From either side of the equation. Is there legitimate gender role definition here? Does anyone actually enjoy "Hurricane What Are You Thinking?" How do you handle it when you want to know? How do you handle it when you're the one being interrogated?
You've read the post. Just tell me honestly, what are you thinking?


  1. I hate to reduce it to a gender indentity thing. I mean, the introspective, dig a little deeper quality is not exclusive to women. But I think it is an important element in any relationship. SOMEONE has to be that way. If both members of the union stuck to topics like sports, beer, and music, the relationship would quickly stagnate. Everyone needs buddies, but to achieve that deeper bond, someone has to ask the seemingly stupid questions.

    I like the roller coaster reference. I will remember to offer one minute of sexual favors for each minute my husband talks openly about his feelings? Think that'll work??

  2. Anonymous10/25/2005

    Anybody who asks what I'm thinking is going to get an earful. I'm a blogger, after all.

  3. "What are you thinking?"

    That question reeks of passive agressiveness. There are no absolutes here, but i have often been asked this question not out of curiosity, but as a means of initiating a dialogue. The asker of the question is feigning true interest in what is really going on in my head simply to get a chance to tell me what is going on in her head or maybe to use the answer to the question as the premise for a discussion. Or maybe she genuinuely just wants to know...

    Whatever you do, don't say "what am I thinking right now, or what was I thinking just before you asked me that question?" although this is a logical inquiry, it almost always appears to be an attempt to obfuscate the question.

    mr. wilson

  4. Am I the only person in the world who has never asked nor been asked this question? I mean, first of all - I love to talk so you'll never really have to ask me that question. And second, I find that I am only attracted to men and women who do the same. Why waste my time pulling info out of a person? If they want to share and do share, I build a relationship with them. They guys I have had serious relationship with always communicated their feelings as openly and honestly as the man who writes this site.

    But here is MY question: does it matter? I have lived with men and been married and the communication seemed great and STILL things didn't work out. So does it make a difference in the long run? I think not in terms of outcome, just in journey. And, there are plenty of people in this world who would argue for each side of that issue. Sometimes a relationship can be great WITHOUT the WAYT process. Sometimes that is what makes it WORTH having the relationship - it just depends on what type of person you are.

  5. dunking booth - the relationship amusement park definitely needs a dunking booth.

  6. Couldn't we just talk about this later? I mean.. The GAME'S ON...

  7. only if you're dunking people in semen.
    lots and lots of semen.

  8. Mr. Wilson shut Dennis up good this time. If communication is open in a relationship, this question seldom needs to be asked. Or at least not posed in such a leading and potentially explosive way.

  9. Anonymous10/25/2005

    For every stereotypical portrait of a woman, there is a corresponding stereotypical portrait of a man. Which wouldn't be so bad if they weren't always the same ones.

  10. insecurity. that's why people ask that. or to fill a void in the conversation.

    but that's because they're uncomfortable with the silence. so, again, insecurity.

  11. Anonymous10/25/2005

    I asked 'what are you thinking' to some guy last Sat night & haven't heard from or seen him since! At the time, he said, 'I'm just enjoying the sensation ...'

  12. yeah, I'd pretty much say that you all are right.

    very true. very true.


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